And no, it really isn't anything that you might have thought of.
I wrote many things about myself on this blog. I wrote I have some illnesses or diseases. Most of the things I wrote are obviously hyperbolas, but I don't think I ever lied on purpose. Anyway, I mentioned I have tourette syndrome, which is possibly true, but if it is, I'm definitely not a severe case. I said I have ADHD, which was true according to some psychologist I visited as a kid. Recently I'm starting to think I really am hyperactive, but who knows. I can't really compare to others. I think I said I have dysgraphia, which was (is?) also true, but I can't prove it, because the psychologist said so, yet I refused to ask for the certification (?) for it. I would have to spend extra hours in school, so no thanks.
The assuptiom you could have made (or I assume you could've made) about me are following:
I'm antisocial. Gay. Introvert. Asexual. Insane. Hipster. Hater.
I am asocial. I'm not gay. I am introvert. I'm kind of asexual. I might be insane. I am a hipster in a way. And I am a hater in a way.
But all this just says my characteristics separately, while in reality they all can be a single word:
Schizoid
Don't google it!
I mean it!
Don't google it before the end of this article, because you might assume something that is not true.
Now that I think of it, I don't really care, so if you want to, go ahead, but you'll read the same things in here again. Plus I'll go into details in here and I'll take them more personally.
What you definitely shouldn't do is connect it in any way with schizophrenia. Just no! Similar in some symptoms, but otherwise completely different.
So what being schizoid means?
Well, it means I'm scared of giving in to someone. In other words it means I don't like people being too close to me. I'm indifferent to people and I prefer to be alone. So far sounds like being introvert and simply not a people person.
But the rest is more interesting:
I'm basically cold (emotionless) and apathetic to people and life in general. Cool, eh? :)
I'll go through the characteristics and try to explain them a bit more, because not everything fits exactly. These are the typical traits:
Neither desires nor enjoys close relationships, including being part of a family.
This is, in a way, a description of introverts and it really is correct. I don't mind being in a company of people, but it all depends on the people and on the time we spend together. The problem is when people get too close to me (not only mentally, but physically too. Touching me is a touchy topic). I can't stand anyone for longer time. And it applies for family, friends and even my new and first girlfriend (yay for me! :).
I actually enjoy meeting new people. I never approach anyone, but I'm always interested in making new friends. When I run, get annoyed or I shut myself down is the point when the people are too close to me. Kind of... But basically I need to have some time off from that person. I might be all right the next day or in a week and it doesn't mean I don't like that person. It simply means, I can't stand almost anyone for longer time.
Almost always chooses solitary activities.
That pretty much says it all and it's true, but not completely. I don't mind being with people, but again it depends on what people and for how long. I can play floorball with strangers, have a great time and get annoyed only when I hear them talking in the locker room. I can spend a week practically alone with only three other people and don't feel any social hangover. It all depends, but basically it's true.
I can't imagine working with people and it was obvious when I worked as a waiter. I can stand strangers (=customers) all day, but after a while I get annoyed with my coworkes and I'm tempted to find another job.
Takes pleasure in few, if any, activities.
Maybe... It sounds pretty bad, but I think all my emotions are kind of flattened, so I wouldn't say I don't enjoy things. It's just that I might enjoy them less than you do. If not then I guess this doesn't apply to me.
Anyway, I take pleasure in some things. A lot of them actually...
I think this would apply only to the "pure" schizoid and therefore I understand that working in real life is pretty hard, if not impossible. This is definitely not my case. I'm doing all right.
Lacks close friends or confidants other than first-degree relatives.
Oh yes! More than year ago this would fit completely. Now I have at least someone, but It's still kind of weird. I have friends, some of them good, and I like them all, but close? I don't think so. There are probably two people close to me, another two or so are a maybe. The rest is way behind.
I'm not sure what's the normal number, so I can't really say. I might be "normal" with the close friends part. As for friends and people you know, I'm probably way under the average.
Feel unmotivated and tend to underperform at school or work
The motivation is true, but I don't think I'm really doing that much worse than the average and I'm learning how to deal with it, so it's not that much of a problem now.
It used to be for sure. My school results were far from my real abilitties, but I like to think there were reasons for that and I'm convinced I'll be fine.
And when I'm convinced of something about me, I'm right :-D
They might daydream and/or create vivid fantasies of complex inner lives.
Daydreaming part is true. I think... I'm not sure if I understand the term correctly, because from my point of view I simply think. Otherwise I'd say yes.
As for the vivid fantasies and complex inner lives I can't say. First of all because I'm not sure if I understand the terms fully, and also because I don't have any comparison to other people. To be honest I might consider the option I have less fantasies and not a complex inner live compared to most people, but I really don't know.
Appears indifferent to the praise or criticism of others
This is so much true! I haven't fully realized that only untill few weeks ago, but it fits. I really don't care if someone says I did a good job or I suck. I just don't care.
That doesn't mean though I don't want to be "popular" or liked, and it also doesn't mean I'm not flattered when I hear someone likes me. If you say to me I'm smart I'll say "ehm, ok... Thanks I guess." When I hear from someone else that you said I'm smart I'll take it the way I should: as a real and honest compliment.
If that makes no sense, be assured it makes no sense to me too :-D
Simply said, it fits.
Shows emotional coldness, detachment, or flattened affectivity.
Here we go! The fun part!
Firstly it needs an explanation, because for me it's not about showing emotional coldness, detachment, because sometimes I actually try to cover these traits.
It simply is about being cold, emotionless, detached and not affective.
Simply put: I have little emotions and therefore I can't show them.
I think the only emotion I really have is anger or hate. I used to be angry quite a lot which disappeared with time. As for hate it's still there, but better word would be something like aversion or dislike. I'm not very tolerant with people and I can dislike someone very passionately. And the closer people are to me, the more I get annoyed with them. That's the reason I don't let anyone too close. I don't like hating someone and especially someone I actually like and enjoy spending time with.
If that makes no sense then another way to say is that I get annoyed with little things all the time. Therefore I can admire and like someone as he/she is, but at the same time dislike them for something.
I hope you understand that the fact I have less emotions doesn't mean I can't "like" someone. I like many things and people, and I'd go as far to say I love someone. There's just difference between my liking/loving and yours. It's expressed in similar ways, but it probably feels much different.
Having less emotions doesn't imply I don't like you, it says I'm simply not able to like you emotionally and "with my heart".
On the positive side, I have such rich logical life (nicely said, eh? :-) that I can fully love you logically, with my brain.
To be honest, that's way better than your emotions, because I can cut the connection, make it stronger, change or explain it quite easily. And since it's logical, there are only limited ways it can affect my behaviour in unwanted way. Unlike your precious emotions :-P
Anyway, it fits. I'm not completely emotionless and I'm not a robot even though it might look like it. As I said I think all my emotions are flattened and they're not as strong as yours. Probably... I have no idea what I'm saying to be honest :)
Has little, if any, interest in having sexual experiences with another person
Yay! Another fun part.
And yup, that's true. I never thought I'm like that, I just thought I can control myself more than others, but apparently you all are just sex crazed freaks, who can't help themselves even if youn try to. Good on you! :-D
I'm not exactly asexual and I have some needs. Having orgasm is a pleasant neccessity, having sex is nice and that's about it. I can live without sex with no problems. As for the physical release I can't say. I haven't tried being without masturbation for longer than maybe two weeks, so I really don't know.
Anyway, this is true. I don't need sex at all. Good on me! :)
These are the typical characteristics, altought it might look it doesn't fit completely to me. Well, here's an explanation:
There is no ‘standard’ for a schizoid personality, because not all schizoids are identical.
Though they frequently share common personality traits, each schizoid is an individual,
and each one will exhibit the traits in different degrees.
Not all schizoids display all personality traits attributed to the disorder.
Nor do all schizoids exhibit the traits to the same degree.
The history of the schizoid has an important bearing on his/her specific behaviour.
Current circumstances will also influence his/her behaviour,
and this behaviour may not even fall within the realm of the schizoid condition.
That is entirely true. Most of the description fits perfectly, some partially, but some of it none at all. Fine, maybe I diagnosed myself badly, but it explains so much, I doubt it's not true.
Anyway, I repeat again that the description doesn't fit at all in some cases. For example I've never suffered from depression even though it's common in schizoids. I'm lazy, apathetic, but I don't have depression. Similarly, schizoids have anxieties, lot of stress and generally not much energy as well as pesimistic to apathetic view on life, while I'd actually describe myself as a content person with positive view on life, no stress and lots of energy.
Andrea (my girlfriend, for future reference) explained it very well I guess:
"You have schizoid personality, but you don't have the schizoid disorder"
We established the basics and we know what is the definition of schizoids. Now let's take a break for a day and tomorrow I'll give you a second part. Have a good night or whatever :)
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