Coming out part 2/3

We covered the definition, but what's the reason? And how is it to be a schizoid?


Let's take a look at that. I'll be jumping between topics, but it's all related somehow and I believe you can make some sense of it.

The response to a perceived threat remains instinctive and automatic in all humans.

The response is fear.

Unfortunately, the schizoid avoidant, instinctively perceives another human being as a threat (to survival).

This triggers fear, and the need to flee.

Reasons

Even though schizoids have some genetic predisposition, the trait always become active only in the "right" environment. Everywhere I looked there was one reason repeating itself: mother issues and not enough love and attention to child.
Can't say if that's true...
Another explanation could be a fact that I was always "problematic" child (I think I just had lots of energy) and apparently when you say that to a child too often, he starts to become asocial, less secure and basically he becomes a loner.
There are more theories why that happens and I think all of them fits up to a point, but none really stands out.
My own theory is this:
I don't think I was schizoid always. I think I was "normal" as a child and I don't think my mom didn't love me enough. But we don't have close relationships in our family. My parents are divorced and were fighting for a long time before divorce, so I think I just got used to being alone.
The reason I'm like that is probably not enough attention from parents and my lack of need for the attention.
During puberty I stopped having interest in many things and my parents (well... my mom, since dad showed almost no interest at all) gave me the freedom to do what I want.
My mom is very independent, self-sufficient and she never forced me to do anything, so I got that from her and when I hit the puberty, I slowed or stopped our interactions and I slowly became cold, not affective and in a way lazy and not interested in anything.
It's definitely not my mom's fault, because having schizoid personality is nothing wrong. My parents are probably the main reason, but it's definitely not their fault.



Anyway, I have to say that whoever and whatever made me the way I am, I don't blame anyone. Even if I could find the exact cause, I wouldn't complain, because I'm satisfied this way.
I have an explanation to lots of things about me.
I finally diagnosed myself with something that actually fits.
And I'm quite happy with they way I am.

Regrets

Consider this:
Unlike most of you I am content with myself and with my life.
I have no regrets about my past and I have no quarells with myself.
All I have is a logical need to be better, to do great things. If I fail, I'll still be fine. This is actually really cool thing. It makes no sense even to me, and I'm afraid I'll fall hard because of this, but when I'm lazy and I don't do anything, I have no regrets!
I want to do a lot, but if I don't, it doesn't really make me feel bad. How cool is that? :-D

Anyway, most people have regrets, so let's take a look at them. Biggest regrets on death bed are following:

1. I didn't live the life for myself, but for others.
Could that happen to me? Hell no! Because fuck you, that's why.

2. I wish I didn't work so hard.
Possible, but again I have absolutely no regrets about my past. So far...  Sweet, eh?
And I really don't this could apply to me. It doesn't sound like it at all.

3 I wish I had the courage to express my feelings.
What feelings? :-D Anyway,  I don't have problem with that at all, because I told you many times you're all idiots with primitive brains, limited thinking and disgusting desire for sex.
And I told those people who I think deserve it that I like them.
I think I'm doing very well with this :)

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends?
What friends? :-D Not only I don't many friends I want to stay in touch with, but I also don't have any desire to do so and if I do, I simply get in touch.
This is simplified quite a lot, but basically I don't think I might regret this.

5. I wish I had let myself be happier.
Happier? What does it mean? :-D Anwyay, I live the way I want to and I don't care (much) about people, society or anything that could judge me, hold me or have problems with me. I could be angry at myself for being lazy, but that's about it.

See? It's really not that bad :)


Sex

Hell yeah! Sex! SEX! SEX!!!

Meh...

I've never thought of sex before.
Sounds ridiculous, I know that, but it's kind of true. I always viewed sex as something I'll do one day with someone I like and that's it. I never pictured myself having sex and I never had the need to act in a way I would have sex.
It's not about having sex drive, I do have that even though probably less than most people, but I never had the need to satisfy myself in another way than masturbation.
Yes! I could live without sex easily all my life. And I was sure of that even before I tried it.
Homosexuals know they don't need the opposite sex. In the same way I know I don't need sex.
Because I never thought of sex, I never realized how different I am. I knew that sex is more important for other people. I knew people love sex and it affects them so much it disgusts me, but I always thought I'm different only in the way I behave, not in the way of feeling sex drive.
Anyway, I never thought of sex, so even on this blog I refuted the option of being asexual. Simply because I didn't really know what it meant.
Now I admit I am kind of asexual. Google it, because there are lots of types and I'd be considered gray asexual or demisexual for not being completely without the need of sex or relationships.
Not all schizoids are the same. Far from it. So even though we generally have lower sex drive, our view on sex is not the same. Some are perfectly fine with having sex with random people, while that idea repulses me. Just no!
This is something that seems really strange to me, and this where the difference between people comes in play.
I would never do such a thing and if we talk about sex I'm conservative and prudent.
I can't imagine sex with someone I don't know and don't like. I can't imagine and I'm not capable of cheating on my girlfriend, and I'm very intolerant with people who could and do such things.
Actually I'm very intolerant with sex in general. Don't ask me why, because I have no clue.
How does my intolerancy shows?
Just shut the fuck up about sex, ok?

No, just kidding. I need to get used to it, so you should actually talk about sex more. I might hate you if you talk about sex too much and in certain ways, but hey, I'll start hating you eventually. So don't worry, ok? :)


How is life? 

Not too bad. I learned how to live with myself, which is something not everyone (well, almost noone apparently) can do.
I learned how to live with people, even though that part is a bit complicated.
I enjoy people. I really do enjoy the time with others, but I need my time off, which is just introverted way of living.
Problem is that most people seem stupid to me. Well... most people are idiots, let's be honest.
I still like people, but I'm not very good at starting the conversations, so everyone take a mental note here: If I want to talk to someone, I should just talk to that person. And if I want to hang out with someone I should just ask them out.
So in case there are people who would like to talk to me more or meet me in person, I don't mind. Not sure, why would you want to, but go for it :) If I do mind, I'll tell you, but I'm just not in the point where I'm able to invite people for a coffee. Not just yet, so please talk to me first :)

Also, I was told I seem to be uninterested in the conversations, I seem aloof and it's mostly because I don't look people in the eyes. Which is true, I understand I look like I'm not listening, but except my bad hearing I do listen and I react to everything you say.
So don't be confused with that. If I don't like you, if I don't want to be with or you bore me, you'll know and you'll know that for sure.

Which brings me to another point that people assume waaay to much about others. And you all should stop doing that.

Which leads me to another thing. I don't assume!
In a way it's a bad thing. I don't look people in the eyes, I don't pay attention to any body language and all I care about are the things people say. Which means I have no fucking idea about people and how they work.
It can sometimes be really bad, because I'm naive and I believe  in what people say, but on the other hand it's simple and logical way to act.
I care about the things you say and I take that as a fact. Nothing else. Straightforward and logical.
Also, I mean everything I say. If I say you can come, you can. If I say I help you, I'll help you. If I say it's not a problem, it simply isn't a problem. I don't try to please people. I don't care much about ethics and not being rude. Even though I'm against offending someone.
I have problems with saying no to people, but if I say yes I mean it.
I'm simply intolerant, but nice person who likes to help others and when I say something, you can bet I mean it.

Discussions

This is so much true:

Some boys sit on the street every Saturday night ... and talk.

The conversations are anodyne, inane.

What they say or do not say, is irrelevant.

The point is they are together, and that makes them feel good.

This inane chatter is purely for the sake of socializing.

The schizoid, on the other hand, does not seek out the company of others,

and only enjoys interesting conversation intellectual pleasure it provides.

If the conversation is irrelevant

there is no reason to participate – it is boring.  

Sometimes the schizoid is accused of being unsociable or boring,

However, he does not fail to contribute to the conversation because he has no knowledge,

but because he lacks the need to be sociable.

Ordinary people partake in chatter because they enjoy company

 – just being with others provides pleasure.

The underlying feeling here is:

“I am with you, I am part of this group,

I feel important, secure, accepted, loved ...

I feel good. I proclaim that I am a human being, a sociable being "

The schizoid has no need of company, so is only interested in conversations where

there is an intellectual incentive

For this reason, the schizoid will always flee from irrelevant chatter.

This is simplified and possibly not completely true. I have nothing about silly and seemingly pointless conversations. It doesn't have to lead anywhere if it's fun.

But where's the fun in talking about today's weather, the view this window has or how cute that puppy is. That is pointless and boring.

Talking about the importance of dwarfs in pubs is pointless, but it can at least be fun.

Tolerancy

I'm translating a part from a book about different types of people, so I'm not sure if you'll understand it. In czech it makes sense. It goes like this:
"He can have a "master morality" which means he respects only himself and he disdains "weaklings", who are bound with moral doubts. That looks to him like cowardice and not enough courage to autonomous living. "
(Může rozvninout "panskou morálku", kterou uznává jen pro sebe, a pohrdá "slabochy", kteří se cítí vázáni morálními pochybnostmi, což jemu se jeví hlavně jako zbabělost a nedostatek odvahy k autonomní svébytnosti.)

Seems about right... I still don't understand so many things about people.
For example I stil l don't understand your dependency on others. I know you care what others think of you, I do too. But I'd never let it change myself. I'd never allow others to affect my behaviour.
This is really important. You'd rather stay in relationship (being it between friends, partners or parents) and be with someone you hate (or at least don't really like) and don't want to be with, than be alone.
And this seems insane to me. Why the hell should you stay with a partner, who beats you or abuse you? And even in not such severe cases. Why the hell should you stay with someone who's not ideal for you? Well... It's hard to find the ideal, but tell me why people stay in relationships that are obviously failing and these people will eventually break up?

Similar to that is social, ethical a moral conditioning. People are tied with what's "right", what's "normal", what "people should or shouldn't do". This is exactly the reason of all the regrets on the deathbed! This absence of thinking on your own, this lack of courage to act on your own and live your life.
The best thing?
I have almost nothing of these things!

Other stuff

In here I'd like to include some other things like examples of schizoids who are fucked up.
.
Firstly I read a story about a guy who after some time of pressure from his girlfriend agreed to marry her. He didn't want to tie himself. Anyway, he came to her home with rings and they both celebrated their engagement. When he was leaving her home, he put a pre-written letter in her mailbox in which he just canceled their engagement.

See? That's fucked up. You should be lucky you know me ;)

Another story is about a kid, who killed someone in school. When they asked him why he did it, he answered: "He somehow annoyed me"
That's pretty fucked up too, but at least I can relate to that and I can imagine that if I was raised badly and I was stupid, I'd do the same.
That's a nice thought, eh? :)

"Emotionally I'm 10 years younger than intelectually."

Yeah, kind of. Except I'm at least five ahead logically, so I'd fifteen with my emotions and that doesn't seem to fit :-D
It's a nice idea though and it explains a bit.

At the end, I'd like to give a you a short link that might explain a lot.
The whole page is interesting and helped me when making these articles.