Relationships and caring, part 1

Long awaited topic!

Riiight... Like someone cares what I write.

Anyway, it's something I've tried to explain many many times and couldn't. For some reason people always misunderstood me . I know I was definitely explaining it wrong, but I hope that after you read this you'll find out it's true and that I am (as always) right :-D

To many people I've tried to explain that caring less about others is a way to go. Put like that it sounds horrible, I know that and unfortunately this is the way I was trying to explain it. Problem is,  it's a bit more complicated than that, and even though this is still essentially true there's a lot more that needs to be explained.

This is a long topic and before we actually get to the point why I think people should care less, I need to explain couple of things.

Let's start by finally explaining my relationship with people (specific people, not humans in genereal). It's funny that I've never really explained all this... Actually... nobody does, it's so strange. 

I'm not quite sure how much you understand me. Some of my feelings and/or opinions are obvious, some of them you probably figured out along the way and some you just ignore, don't undersand and you think of me as an idiot.

Finally some people started to comment on my blog (Yay! and thanks! :), so please comment (or write me personally) what you knew or thought about me before reading this article. Again, some of it might be obvious to you and you might think why I even write about it, but the problem is I have absolutely no idea what you all think of me!

Isn't it sad? Almost everyone who is reading this is someone I know personally, and most of the people I would consider friends. Yet, I have no idea what you think of me and you have no idea what I think of you.

Scary! People really need to talk more about the relationships and not just the romantic or family ones. Even friends should talk about their relationships more.

Or maybe not... I guess it would be really weird to talk about it with some people :-D

But that's why I write this, writing it is waaay easier, so don't be afraid to comment or message me :)

Anyway, I don't like anyone! :-D While that is somehow true it's not as bad as it seems.

I made several groups to "sort" the people and to make clearer my relationship with everyone, but with everyone it's different and this is far from explaining everything. I know it is/might be confusing, so if you're not certain where do you belong or what's your situation, just ask. I mean it! I'm deadly serious! I want to be honest and clear with everyone and in romantic relationship everything should be clear and people should be honest. Why not in friendship? Where's the difference?

All of this is my "problem". It really isn't a problem, that's why the quotation marks, because, even though the extroverts and "social" people don't (won't?) understand it, there are people, like me, who prefer to be alone and who just can't stand company of others for a long time. We are usualy happier being alone, doing whatever. I just can't understand the people who are all day out being in a company of others. I would hate not having time alone and I actually think it's insane that people can be that social. But hey! That's me and simply because I can't understand you and you can't understand me, doesn't mean we can live with each other, right? 

Well... I hope so :)

Also, I'd like to make clear, that there's not many people I don't like. Most of the people I know I like. With one issue: we all meet under the wrong conditions. It seems like I can't stand big groups of people, which is unfortunately the way I meet most of my friends. With some people I simply spend too much time and they start to annoy me. With some I just have nothing to talk about.

I start with the people I love. 

There are two people in this category.

You definitely didn't expcet that, am I right? :-D

In case you're wondering who are they, I'm not telling you. Also, unless you're not sure, you're not part of this group. The two people know it. Makes sense, right?

Second group are the people I really like, but I can't move them to the first group for some reason.

To this group belongs my family of course and some of my friends. 

Why I don't love my family and friends? Simply because I didn't chose them. I love my mom because she's always there for me, she raised me, she takes (took) care of me and she'll always suppot me no matter what. 

However, we are in a weird situation and the fact that "I  didn't chose them" is only partially right. The reason why she's not in the first group is because I live with her and we meet in wrong situations and in the wrong time. 

Simply put, I can't live with my mom. I love her, I love talking to her, discussing problem with her and I appreciate she's here for me.Yet I have to live with her for now and this brings issues, because I see her a in situations I shouldn't and she sees me the same way. I hate when someone talks to me in the morning, yet she does. I hate when people unneccessary, pointlessly talk. I hate when she tells me: "I brought groceries". I can see that when I open the fridge, I really don't need you to tell me for god's sake!

And so on. All this means that only when I see my mom under the right circumstances, I can move her to the first group. Sounds horrible, eh? I know. I also know it  doesn't and it won't make any sense to you, because it's not really possible to explain it.

The feeling is similar with my friends. Even though some of them I really like, I can't move them into the first group because we met under "forced" conditions (school) and even though that's behind us we still don't meet, see and talk under the right conditions. Meaning anything you can imagine, but mostly it means that I don't like many people around me. I prefer to talk to someone alone or at least in a small group. Guess with how many people I talk alone? Four tops! How often? Not much and probably not enough.

There's actually not many people in the second group. Also, I can't properly "sort" some people between the second and the third group.

The third group consists of almost all my friends. 

I like you. For a certain time, in certain situations, but we all know we're not "meant for each other". In here you're simply my friend, we like each other (I hope), but we also know we don't really have that much in common and we'll never be better friends. We can talk about lot of things, we wish each other only good things, we help each other if possible...

Than there's fourth group.

Here belong most of the pople. I have no particular feelings for this group. We can be strangers, who occasionally meet, we can we friends for long time, but I just found out it's "not working"  or something like that.

This was the final group. Now you can have the idea that you don't belong anywhere, because I never showed any interest or I never expressed my feelings for you and when I did, it was in a way that wasn't very nice. I know I make fun of people, I know I'm not the nicest person to live with and yes, I surely know, I'm not the most affectionate or emotional person. I like to think I show my emotions enough and everyone knows what I think of them, but that probably isn't true. You know when and what I don't like about you, but only some of you know that I like you and why I do.

With all these people I have some kind of relationship and to all these people I wish the best. I would help them, if they ask me to and in general I want to see them, at least sometimes and for some time.

Again, this division is very simple. 

For example, there are people who pissed me of for some reason and I actually wish them the worst at this time. Which is only temporarily, it will go away, because I know these people are not bad in general, they just made me angry recently.

There are people, who are between the categories.

There are people I like, even though I don't know anything about them and there are people I like, because I've spent some time with them and even though I might not like you anymore for some reason I still don't wish you anything bad.

Open secret: I don't really have that much emotions. 

For example, I think there's not many people I would cry for on their funeral. Sad? Possibly. Real? Yup! That's just me.

That's why I'm surprised the last few days when I know I can actually like someone and have feelings for someone. Strange...
Anyway the point of all this is of course to make a base for the second part, but not only.
I'm rethinking my whole life and that includes my friends. I'm excited about leaving and the reason is: there's nothing holding me. The opposite actually. I have several reasons to leave. What could be the reason to stay?
Family? Not really, I would have to leave sooner or later and I'd rather do it sooner.
Friends? Well... the trouble is that some of my good friends are gone or somewhere far away, some of them plan to leave and to be honest, the rest can't affect my decision. Again, I don't want to offend anyone, I don't want to sound like I hate or don't like anyone, because it's not true, but most of you I wouldn't mind seeing once a year or something. Just don't take this personally and just think, that I have no emotions, because I'm quite close to it.

"you come in peace, to study humankind from afar :D"

That's exactly it! And don't be offended, but I've learned enough about you to move on :-D

There's a lot more that could explain this, and maybe some of it might actually make you understand it, but that's not really my problem. If you want an explanation, ask! I'll gladly explain. If you think you understand, sweet! And if you don't and won't ask, then it shows something about you. It could be a fact, you don't care about me, which is fine or that you're not curious, which is strange, but fine too or it could mean, you're afraid to ask. 

Really? I just told you I hate everyone and I wouldn't even cry on my mother's funeral, do you really think you should be afraid or embarassed to ask if I consider you a friend? :-D