Sunny friends

WARNING: This article is the most personal, most insane one I've ever wrote, with the  possibility of offending (or worse) someone. Keep that in mind and don't take it too seriously or personally. I'm having a bad time right now :-D
Also, please ask questions before you make a final conclusion about my sanity! :)

You all changed me and made me think I'm someome I'm not.
And that's not cool! Funny thing is that I didn't realize it until now. Not in NZ where I was alone for 10 months but now, after I had the best month of my life with all of you who might read it-my friends.
What I'm trying to say? That I'm possibly not asocial and introvert as I thought for severals years! I always thought I changed during the puberty. I always thought I know myself and I know who I am. Truth is I had no idea because you all changed my view on myself. For the past years I was suffering from something I called "social hangover", not knowing it actually exists, because in czech it doesn't. It's exactly what you'd expect it to be. One day I'm social, in company of other people and I usually have a good time. Yet, when I wake up the next day I don't want to see anyone. I'm angry, easily annoyed, simply in a bad mood. It has nothing to do with drinking or any other drugs. It's just that I have had enough of people.

I was experiencing all this for several years. I always thought I'm just not social person, I can't stand people for a long time and it's exhausting for me to be around them.
Until today, I didn't realize it's not true, even though the signs were in front of me. For example few years back my friend organized a new year's party on his cottage in Beskydy. We were there for a few days and I was afraid before, but I had the best time in there. Everyday I woke up with the feeling that the previous day was great and next one will be even better. I knew before, that I can't stand some people for longer time, there is always something that annoys me about them. When I'm with someone for a longer time these characteristics show up, my mood goes down and I feel aversion against that person. During these few days I remember only one occasion when someone showed up their bad side. One occasion during four (?) days. I had a great time, I loved it and I'll always remember it as the best (one of the best) party(ies).
I always though it was just luck, just a coincidence that everything worked. We all helped and were nice to each other and I can't think of any other party that was like this.
All other social events were far from being this good and even though I enjoyed going out, going out two days consecutively was very rare because I didn't feel good the next morning. Well... I might have felt good, just not social.

So why do I say all this? Obviously, something has changed.
The first impulse, I think, to this idea came from Cynthia (thank you, honey :), because she told that my "social hangover" might be caused by me, somehow soaking all the "bad energy" from the people and then feeling bad when it's in me. This is not only simplified, but also badly explained. Yet, that's pretty much how I understood it. I just somehow notice people's fears, doubts, anxieties and they affect me. I don't want to say I'm especially emphatic and sensitive and this doesn't happen to other people, I'm just trying to explain my whole process of thinking.
Cynthia told me all this and I took it as an option, but never seriously enough. When I came back to Czech, I thought nothing has changed. It was surprising. I didn't expect some big changes but at least something. As a consequence, I was a bit disappointed by that. For the first month the impression prevailed. The people, the city, the family... Everything looked the same to me and I felt the same. I was excited to be back, but my friends stayed the same with all their flaws and mistakes, and I was back, the same person as I left. Then came august, when everything changed!

It all started on Let it Roll festival which was one of the best festivals ever. I enjoyed it very much and sure, it was partially because we all took E, but my good mood was from being caused only by that.
That was a good start to the best month. It continued with two days of lovely relaxation during which something amazing happened and then it peaked (wasn't the peak during the 4th and the 5th?) on Sziget festival. I wanted to write about that a whole article for some time, but my friend described it quite well in here. Also I don't feel confident enough to explain this amazing week anywhere close as was the reality. It was just plain awesome!
I was scared, because I was going there with only two other friends and a girl I've seen maybe once before. I was scared that we would hate each other after a week in one place together. That we would have to enjoy the festival separately because we wouldn't be able to stand each other. We all had this same thought of course, but it never came true. There were two occasions during the whole week when I got slightly (!) annoyed with things my friends did. Once for both of my friends for the whole week! That's unbelievable!
We all felt the same: sunny! That's the only way to describe it. We were happy, excited, ecstatic (without ecstasy) and peaceful. We were high on life, high on music and high on Sziget. The best drug you can get!

By now I had about 10 days of being social and having the best time. After Sziget I decided to visit other friends in Bulgaria. That was bit of a decline during the best month. Which still means it was awesome! It cost me a huge amoung of money, there were things that disappointed me (not like Sziget that was just perfect) but all in all, I regret nothing and I would go there again! We spent there another week and then we all met again in Czech.
By now I had more than two weeks of being social and loving it.
Which was a second peak. My best friend was leaving to study to US (good on you mate! :) and we were preparing great things for her as a way to say goodbye. We had great parties, awesome nights and days and it's really sad she's gone.
After the most awesome three weeks everything calmed but I still felt great! I saw my friends excited about their lifes, happy about everything and we all shared the same thoughts: we are the sunny people, we are happy and we are not ashamed to show it! :)
It continued like this until yesterday, respectively today.

We went to a pubquiz, we drank a bit. We lost (but not tragically) the quiz, won the bonus question and then went to another pub. I came back from the pub at about 2am and I felt good. Bit drunk, tired for sure, but not bad.
Today, something that had to happen sooner or later happened: comedown!
And together with comedown came realization!
How is it possible, that I spent a whole month being social, surrounded with friends and how is possible I consider it the best month of my life?
Sure I had great stimulants to have a good time: music and different kinds of venues on festivals, parties, trips, occasionaly drugs and many other things. In general, there wasn't a time I was bored. I was always excited about something.

But in the end it all comes up to the most important thing and that's company. Most of the times it's not about what you do, but with who you do it. Even though I realized that a long time ago, I didn't think about it properly.
Becase until now I didn't realize how bad comapny I sometimes have.
I didn't realize that my social hangover isn't made by me being antisocial. I didn't realize I love people and I love talking to them. I didn't realize that I just talk and hang out with the wrong people!
This will sound horrible and mean to some people but it shouldn't, because it means something great. We can move on! Having a "bad" (better word: unsuitable)  friends is exactly like having a partner and realizing the relationship doesn't work. You need to break the relationship and move on!
I am in a bad mood and in that state I don't consider the consequences properly, but I believe the time has come to move on from some (!) of my friends.
I can't really say what made me realize this now. I have some ideas why the yesterday night went "wrong" and I feel like this today. Maybe it's just the insane dream I had today. Most likely though it was simply the right time to realize that. It has something to do with the argument we had, but not what you think, the argument wasn't the problem, even though it helped me to understand this.
To understand that some of my friends don't support me and I don't support them. That some of them don't believe in me, (probably unwillingly) discourage me and bring me down. I don't want to say names but because there wasn't many people yesterday, some people (one for sure) will take it the wrong way. You shouldn't! Because it's not your fault, you are who you are, you are not going to change  (especially not for me) and I am, who I am and I'm not going to change for you.
When you break up with your partner, you don't want to see her (him) for some time. You need a break, you need your own space, so hopefully one day you can look at each, say you're doing fine, mean it and then move on to find someone more suitable.
There's no such with friends. Unfortunately... You can't break up with a friend. You can stop talking to him but saying "sorry, I don't want to see you. At least for some time..." is impossible. It shouldn't! You should be able to "break up" with a friend!

I might be horribly wrong with all this! Or maybe just a bit wrong and it's not about my friends in general, it's about how, in what situations, I meet them. You need to be alone with you girlfriend and you can't be with your mom at a party, right? Maybe we just meet in wrong situations, which leads to me being annoyed and angry.
Again, I don't want anyone to feel bad, to feel offended. I don't expect you to change nor apologise. I don't ask for anything with this, I'm simply telling you that I've changed and this is the result. I realized something and I don't want (and need!) friends who don't support me. I don't mind criticism and comments, if there's a point to them. If you just want to say I know nothing, I'm not prepared and I can't do what I want to, keep it to yourself!

If you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all.

While this being essentially true, there are exceptions. There are things that need to be said and criticism isn't generally a bad thing.
All I'm trying to say is that I need friends who believe in me, support me, help me and only when neccessary tell me I'm an idiot. Not people who discourage me, bring me down while not even saying anything that might help.
And again, this is not (!) a personal attack to anyone! This has very little to do with yesterday('s argument), that was just the last few neuron connections that made me think of all this.
Think about this: if I wrote this extremely personal article why wouldn't I say names of the people who made me wrote this. There's no reason for me not to write the names, right? Except, I also have no reason to write them, because it's not my intention to offend anyone.
Just think of me as an insecure idiot, who can't solve his problems and who's trying to blame others.
Because who else I am, right?

I should say that this whole article won't probably change anything. Well, it might, but I don't want to. I don't plan to stop being social, even though not as much as the last month and I don't plan to stop seeing my friends (unless you tell me to fuck off after this :-D). I just had to say that, to relieve myself and maybe to help you realize something too. Also, this is basically just a confirmation that I really need to leave and start somewhere else a whole new life.