Brain and stuff

You know, like, the usual, you know... stuff and like... stuff. You know! I know you know!




I saw a video of a dog. I saw a video of a dog meeting a goose. And not only was it really cute and sweet, it also helped me realise something (the video is here). Notice several things: the goose doesn't care much about the dog. It's a greenhorn (I like this word :), baby goose and the goose is curious about everything. (S)He is trying to look at, and understand, everything because everything is new. How about the dog? (S)He knows about the world, but suddenly something new happens. A wild goose appears! What does the dog do? He's (let's assume it's a male) curious, he wants to know what the hell is that strange thing and he's doing everything he can to find out. But he's also cautios. When the goose moves unexpectedly and/or fast, the dog draws back quickly only to come back a few seconds later. He's curious and he does everything to satisfy his curiosity, but he's also very careful because he doesn't know that new thing and you never know what you can expect. And I'm proably high, tired and who knows what else, but I find all this beautiful and brilliant, because this is exactly the way we all should behave. More importantly, it's the way I want to behave. Always curious, but cautious. Well... maybe less cautious than the dog, but curious same as him. That's what I want! To know, to try, to see and most importantly to understand everything!

The whole day I was rereading my blog and relistening (again) to my FB timeline. Why? Because I'm slightly insane today. Then I watched a movie called Ruby Sparks. There's a writer who wrote about a girl and then she came  to life. She just got real (did you read it properly? ;) but same as she was written in the book. He could change her at will, and the rest is imaginable and obvious, but it's a good movie.
Anyway... I have no idea what I want to write about. I have the exact opposite of writer's block. Well... in a way. With writer's block you can't write because you have nothing to write or you do, but you're never happy with the results. I have thousandd of things I can write about, all of them seems to be good enough (for my low standards, needless to say), I want to write and I actually start but I can't put any sense into the words I'm writing.
I've been feeling really good and happy the past few days even though I'm really fucked. I have no idea what to do and if I do, I don't do it. I'm confused half of the time and everything seems weird. Everything looks like it's out of context, like I'm just coming to see a movie while it's halfway through. That was actually quite good. I'm proud of the last sentence. It needs polishing but not bad...

I'm not entirely sure why I didn't delete these two paragraphs, because the main point of this article is the following, but I guess it goes well together after all. It shows how my brain works and that's the whole point.

One of the weirdest things is hatred against my body. All these years it was in front of me, but I just ignored it and didn't think of it as I should have. What's the problem?
Let's start with my brain. I love that little thing! I mean, it's impressive, it comes up with great ideas. Thanks to my brain I can talk, walk, write and most importantly learn and understand things. So I love my brain. The problem is: I can't control it. I always thought I could, even though I always knew it wasn't true. Why?

The first example is my dreams. Well... I don't really mean dreams I can't control because I'm asleep. I mean the time in bed, when you're trying to sleep and you try to imagine something. I have no idea if it's just me (probably not) or if it happens to everyone, so I have no idea if you will understand what I'm going to say. Let's say I'm trying to think about how it looks in hospital. I'm lying in bed my eyes closed trying to sleep. I can see the room in the hospital, and in it the bed, windows, tv and myself in the bed, with, let's say, broken leg in a cast.Then, for no reason (first strange fact), I imagine that my bed is higher, and the bed-feet are suddenly two metres high, instead of maybe half a metre. Now I see myself in a hospital room, where everything looks normal, except me being close to the ceiling and my bed that's two metres high. What happens next? Obviously, I don't want the bed there, so I try to imagine that it's lower, where it was before. But I can't! My brain, my beautiful, brilliant brain refuses to do that and I can't stop seeing the bed higher than it should be.
This is a true story! I changed some little things but it is true! And I can't get rid of it. Every time I think of a hospital room, the bed is still high, even though it happened years ago.
And it doesn't happpen once in a while, it happens almost every day.
I kind of understand, and I'm used to the fact, that I can't focus and every time I try to imagine something, I just switch to something else because I can't pay attention to one thing. But what really pisses me of, is the fact that my brain is screwing me up! And even worse: I can't do anything about it! I can control my focus and attention in a way but when my brain decides I will see something, I will see it!

That's my beautiful brain. How about my body? Several things! Let's start with the fact that I most likely have allergies to many things (including milk), so I always have to have tissues with me and I can't breathe properly. This si connected to another annoying thing and that's my moved nostril. What I mean is that I can't really use my right nostril, because the cartilage (I think) in my nose is moved a bit to the right, so it's blocking the way. I'm suprised I'm still alive sometimes :-D
I'm still doing better than some people, and these things can be changed or at least I can help it a bit.
The main reason why I can do that is because it's my body that has this problem. And the body can be controlled more easily than the  brain.

Another thing that is quite annoying is my restlessness. I can't focus on anything at all. Yet, when I can, I'm actually not focused. I was just watching a movie. I'm sitting in my armchair, in front of a computer, that lies on a desk. Underneath the desk is non-functional subwoofer and I always use the subwoofer as a footstool.

However, the way I use it is just insane. I can't just put my legs on it. I need to, I have to cross them. I can't just keep them lying there. The same thing is happening right now. I can't sit in front of a laptop with my two feet on the ground. I have one leg on the sub, and the other one is crossed underneath my body and lying on the chair. What happens if I try to let them be and not cross them? I feel restless, strange, uncomfortable, even nervous, so I force myself to cross them. That doesn't help because after some time it will get uncomfortable again, or I'll just get bored of this, so I cross them again in another way. After that, when I'm bored and in a need of change again, I move one leg to the ground, or bend one and put it under the other. Or maybe I lay a bit down to the armachair, and I do one of the many positions I can do with my legs, respectively whole body. Or I can sit almost straight there and move my legs somehow.

Well... It's not about the word "can", it's about the word "do". I do all these things. I'm watching one movie that lasts hour and a half, and I change my position every minute or something... I've never counted it, but I do it all the time. I just can't keep myself in one position.
Did you notice I'm talking only about my legs? How about my arms and hands?  It's exactly (!) the same. I cross them in front of me both ways (left up, right down and then the opposite), I put them behind my head again exchanging the positions of them. I move one to the side and lean my head on it. I cross them in my lap. And it goes on and on.

I'm never sure how much people notice this, because I don't really know how often I'm doing it and how much you pay attention to it, but you all must have noticed my tics. I blink a lot for no apparent reason. I move my ears for the same reason. I swallow nonexisting food all the time.  I move my forehead back and forth. I make impossible noises with my mouth, I move and wrinkle my nose, because why the hell not?

Well... it's not that simple of course. I don't do it this because why not do it nor because I want to, but because I have to! I just do. And I understand you have no idea what I mean because it doesn't make any sense, but I just can't help myself.  I'm writing an article for my blog and something is forcing me to move my ears. Later after that I'm forced to swallow nothing just for the purpose of swallowing. And some time after that, I move my forehead because I feel like I should do it. You can say: why not just stop doing these things, why don't I stop to move all the (even nonexisting) muscles in my face? I tried that, obviously, and I'm trying it now but I just reminded myself all the muscles on my head. Now I'm sitting here, trying to write, with this annoying feeling that I have to do something with my face. I need to move my ears, forehead, eyebrows and what I'm doing right now is moving my eyebrows a little bit, to stop that feeling, which doesn't help. As a result of that urge, I just moved everything that can be moved in my face. You just can't stop doing it. It's not possible! You can't! I remember a friend telling me a long time ago, he had the same problem, he said he was having tics same as me, and then he said he just stopped doing them. Every time he felt like doing it, he didn', he forced himself not to and he "cured" himself. Bull fucking shit!

Have you seen my fingers, especially my fingernails? Proably yes. If so, you noticed that my fingernails are always very short, usually bad looking and sometimes bleeding. You also proably noticed that the skin on top, close to the beginning of a nail, looks horrible. Several small cuts, skin not attached and just ready to cut or tear.
Why is this happening? Because I tear off my nails, I cut my nails with scissors like twice in my whole life. I always just use the other hand to take them down.
Why am I doing this? Some might say it's boredom or neurosis. Maybe nervousness and stress. Some people might say it's self-harm and I wouldn't argue with them. Sometimes it hurts a lot but I don't stop. I always know what's going to happen and I know that taking this little piece of skin behind my nail will take a lot more other skin with it, and it's going to bleed and hurt. Yet, I do it. So why? It could be all of the things I mentioned. Most likely it is simply neurosis/Tourett's syndrome and all these things are tics, but that doesn't help, does it?

Because saying I'm neurotic just doesn't cut it. Also it's not true! Because the main problem is the fact I can't focus! On anything! I've never watched a movie without distracting myself with some thoughts. Not that bad? Sure, movies last more than hour, that's a long time to get distracted. But how about songs? One three minute song and I can't imagine listening one full song without thinking about something.
Sometimes it shows in a way I can't stay still and I have to move my leg, arm, head or something.
What am I trying to say with this slightly ridiculous, not-making-sense and overall stupid article is this: I can't focus, I'm easily bored and because of that I think about things. When I can't think of things, I think about something I shouldn't be thinking about because I just makenup something to think about. When I'm bored I just think of something to do, which is nice unless the thing your insane brain comes up with is completely pointless, annoying and self-harming.
What happens when I'm focused on something? First of all I have to say it doesn't happen when you might expect it. I've never been focused on movie, song or school. But I have been focused on sports. I guess it has something to do with the fact that when I use my body I can't possibly come up with another movement to do. Also, it might have something to do with my hyperactivity and ADHD (try to read wiki or something, it might help a bit with understanding because it all fits :) which I was told many years ago I have. This was actually confirmed, unlike most of other disorders I mentioned here.
Lastly, when I'm focused, I do everything else right. For example, when I play a PC game for a few hours. If I play and I'm not really into the game I'm restless, I move a lot in the chair and after a few hours I can feel my back hurt a bit. On the other hand, when I'm focused and I play the game few hours, I feel nothing afterwards. No back pain, no nothing. Since I'm focused, the brain does everything automatically so I, somehow, sit correctly which is otherwise an impossible act.

Hope you enjoyed this short tour to my wonderful and brilliant, yet scary and weird brain :)
Have a good month! YES! I wish you the best month! A WHOLE MONTH!
Incredible! I'm so nice :)