Why you should offend people

Exaggerating but yes! You should do it!


When I was in Everglades I had a discussion with other three (?) people about mental health and the health system in general. We disagreed at first but after a while of talking we realized we mostly agree with each other and we just explained our opinions in different ways. Which is not important, it's not necessary to agree with each other, what's more important is understanding and tolerance. Luckily, both qualities were present in the conversation. We argued, we discussed things and we disagreed (for the most part until the end), but we were all calm. No one raised their voice, no one became angry and, all in all, it was a polite and productive discussion. I enjoyed it and I believe others did as well.

Boring, right?

Kind of but it gets worse, don't worry.

After we finished and we all expressed our opinions one of the girls came to me and apologized.

I asked why?

"For the argument" was her answer.

"Why are you apologizing? We disagreed but that's it. Nothing bad happened so there's no reason to apologize."

I don't remember her next reaction and if she explained to me her reasons but I was genuinely surprised and confused. I saw absolutely no reason why would anyone think they had to apologize for what they said nor the way they said it.

I retold the story several times after as a joke but I paid little attention to it. Until recently when something similar happened again.

After a class presentation, I expressed my opinion about the length of the presentations in a Facebook group and I wished for more time to discuss it.

In another comment, a student said 10 minutes is enough. I explained my own position in a different way. I agreed that 10 minutes is enough but there's no need to present the whole time and I'm much more interested in what the class thinks. I don't need the class to present the information in the book because it's easier to just read it.

I was in no way offended, I wasn't being mean, aggressive or emotional in any way during any of the occasions (I know it might be hard to believe it but I honestly wasn't). Similar to all the other people involved in both cases.

Yet again, the girl who "disagreed" (she didn't even talked directly to me. She just said her opinion in  a different part of the chat) still asked me in private chat if everything is fine. She explained she didn't try to target or offend me and I shouldn't think she's being mean or anything,

Again, I was confused. I even thought it was a mistake because in the first case in Everglades I knew what the girl referred to. In this situation, I wasn't even sure what's going on.

In both cases, I expressed my confusion and I made very clear that the situation is ridiculous, crazy and there's absolutely no need for explanation. Not to mention an apology.

I want to be clear with my wording. English is confusing so let's make it clear at least for the purpose of the article.

Discussion, or debate, is simply an exchange of ideas. There's no disagreement, no fighting and no way to offend anyone.

An argument, or disagreement, is an exchange of ideas where the involved are disagreeing but they are listening to each other in order to understand. They are polite and while there might be emotions involved, there's no grudge and no bad feelings even after the argument. Usually, because some conclusion is or can be reached.

A fight is when people raise their voice, they become passionate to the point when they stop listening to each other and there's no way to reach understanding because all minds involved are already closed. Some people feel offended, there's grudge or even hate and no point was reached.

There is a very important distinction that needs to be made. During fights, people argue with other people. During arguments, people argue with opinions.

I operate in between fight and argument fairly often. I become passionate, I raise my voice and it seems like I am not listening and understanding but that is very rarely the case. In most cases I still keep an open mind and I listen and react to what the other person is saying.
I try my best to logically prove my argument and I try my best to disprove yours. I am not trying to persuade you and I am not attacking you. I simply defend an idea and I argue for it. If we're both able to admit we might be wrong we can only learn.
I'll repeat this again: I am not trying to argue with you, I argue with the things you say. If you want to take it personally, that's your problem.
Another way of saying this I heard recently in my trip to Salzburg where one of the first presenters said: We'll be tough on the issues and easy on the others.

In both examples mentioned I was definitely part of an argument (possibly even discussion since we agreed for the most part) but in no way, I would call it a fight. It never became personal.

I sometimes enjoy fights, but I understand why most people would want to avoid them. For obvious reasons. To mention one, after some time, it can easily lead to frustration and anger.

On the other hand, I see absolutely no reason to avoid disagreements. An argument is a great thing and our Western civilization is hugely based on science where disagreements are crucial. Science is a constant reevaluation of previous ideas based on new information. Any theory is rectified and improved by discussions.

If people are open-minded (even better if they are smart and educated) then arguing is not only a great system to learn new things, it can also be immense fun. 

There is a fine line between being offensive and between expressing freedom of speech and we all have different ideas about that line. 

The obvious (For me. Unfortunately not for most other Americans) issue with political correctness is that while it is trying to stop people from being racist, sexist etc. it is actually prohibiting people from expressing their opinions.

Not by definition necessarily but slowly in time.

Nowadays, everyone has the right to be offended and when someone tells you "this is offending" the rule is that you have to stop. It makes no difference if you are saying something that is clearly wrong. i.e. something that is insulting and degrading or if you're simply stating your opinion that the other person disagrees with. Insulting is not ok. Offending is also not ok but people tend to be offended by innocent ideas and jokes fairly often.

In none of the occasion I mentioned no one expressed opinions that were hurtful to others, that showed ignorance or viciousness. Yet, they felt the need to explain themselves. They felt that they offended someone.

Why did they do it?

Because their previous experience convinced them that all disagreements are offensive and insulting.

Well... I say bullshit!

I say: offend people. Hurt their feelings and argue with them. 

And immediately after that, I will add: don't be a dick!

The line between being a dick and expressing an opinion is subjective but the truth is that we all share the same culture and we all share similar cut-off between what's mean and what's simply someone's opinion. We all know quite well what's ok and what isn't.
(I always make the same mistake of assuming and expecting too much from people but come on. Most people really do know how to behave and most people can say what is an insult and what isn't)

This problem is maybe not so obvious in the US culture in general, but it's quite apparent at schools. The current students grew up in an atmosphere of  fear of offending others. They are scared of saying something close to the line because someone might feel it was crossing the line. Yet, this fear also leads to emotional hypersensitivity. If you've never been a target of jokes, one joke can throw you off. If you've never been challenged and forced to defend your opinion (Your opinion! Not yourself!), you will, of course, feel helpless when someone does. You will be offended that someone tries to argue with your views. You will feel hurt because you'll think someone is trying to get to you, not your ideas

But think about it, is there anything wrong with being offended? Not really!

There's certainly something wrong with offending. There is something wrong with insulting and reducing people.

But even in that case, there's actually no reason to be offended. Why should I care if someone is an ignorant idiot? Why should it be a problem for me? And even if I have some emotional reaction, why should it be this one? I feel frustrated and sad when someone shows their ignorance and stupidity. I certainly don't see a reason to be offended by their crazy views.

Why should my feelings be hurt by someone's comments? Why should I feel bad for someone's idiocy?
These are the questions I ask when I do feel offended. I ask: why do I have this reaction? I'd suggest to everyone to do the same. 

I don't like offending people. I am careful not to insult them, to marginalize them and to be mean, but I would not apologize for offending someone. Why? Because in most cases it's not my problem. It's not my problem people are so sensitive, they can't handle when I disagree with them. It's not my problem they can't even discuss issues because they become emotionally involved in them.

I can, I can talk about anything. I can talk about my personal issues, I will say anything about me and I will express any opinion I have. And when that happens I expect people to dislike it, to disagree with it and to argue with me. If you have a problem with my statements, I'm willing to discuss them, explain them and listen to your own view. But if you tell me I can't say something because you are offended then it's not my problem. Explain to me why you think my ideas are wrong and I might change my mind. Tell me you're offended and I'll tell you to enjoy it.

Stating "that's offending" doesn't help the situation. The opposite actually, by telling people not to say what they think, we stop discussions and argument and we stop learning from others. Moreover, we only reinforce our own worries, anxieties and self-doubt.

As with many things like healthcare or criminal system, political correctness is treating the symptoms and not the problem.
As a society, we decided to condemn sex with minors. I am not saying it is good nor bad nor anything in between, it is just a fact. We decided to treat sex with underaged people as a crime but while doing that we also created a system that makes people's lives miserable for reasons most people would not understand. We say it's not ok for 40 years old to have sex with 10 years old. Sure, we can do that. We create laws against such actions but those laws are now also targeting young couples, If a person, 18 years old, has consensual sex with his/her partner, who is only 17, we now have to treat the older one as a criminal. I think we all see a difference in those two occasions. Even those who are religious can, I think, sense there is a difference in those two situations.

Political correctness works similarly. The problem is intolerance. The symptoms are hate, fundamentalism, racism and so on. Stopping people from expressing their opinions is not solving the issue. It might actually make it worse.

And freedom of speech is the victim. The collateral damage is done on our abilities to argue, learn and correct our views. The hypersensitivity is a symptom of this issue. Some people are offended by anything and because of that, the rest has to stop saying anything provocative.

There's nothing wrong with being provocative. There is something wrong with me offending people but from my personal experience (and I'm fairly certain I'm not the only here) it's often not my problem and my fault. It's a sign of an issue other people have.



It is never my intention to insult people and I highly doubt I did it in this article and I think I rarely do outside the blog.
It is also never my intention to offend people but if that's the case I'll live with it because I think that it's usually not about me being offensive (which is not ok) but you being offended (which is probably not ok for you but perfectly fine by me).
You are free to be offended by this article. You are also free to express your opinions or emotions and I welcome your inputs.
Let's argue!