Fuckity fuck

Just one of those weird articles that happen to be on my blog for unknown reasons.

What what what?

Grammarly says that is incorrect, so let me restate that.

What the what?

Cool. That is more correct, except now it says "missing auxiliary verb in question"

So let's correct again.

What has the what?

See, now it doesn't underline anything.

What was it that I wanted?

Write about my several month long shenanigans with the can that's not mine?

No!

I'll just write some random stuff about something.

You see I had a plan. I had a good plan, but immediately after I started writing I changed my mind.

I need an analysis of that.

Maybe that's the whole problem. Maybe because of my refusal of doing analysis, I'm screwing with myself!

No wait! I just fixed my headphones, so it's all good.

See, that's my ADHD talking. I can't even focus when I have a breakthrough in my life. I just get distracted by something that is definitely going to save my life.

It really seem like music is going to save my life.
I wrote about it in NZ several years ago. It really seems like a distant past now.

Jesus, now I started with several topics, and all of them need to be discussed more.

Silly me. Getting distracted even in my head.

But I'm still doing better than others.

Am I though?

It really seems like I'm fucking everything I touch recently.

That's a bit of an overstatement, but who cares.

The point is that through all the self help books and spirituality I learned I need to exercise and meditate and I'm not even doing that because fuck it.

It's funny that I even feel I'm getting weaker.

But at least I'm still not taking oxycodone like my roommate. Roomate is wrong, though. It's flatmate. Well, not even mate. Just a flat person.

Hehe, flat person. Might be true, she is a bit flat. I mean she is huge, and definitely not flat, more like fat, but still

What was I saying? Oh yeah.

I'm still doing better because I'm not taking any pills.

On the other hand, I'm desperately waiting for my blotters that refuse to come, which is very sad because I could have made a new friend through them. A friend with similar interests even.

Oh well, people come and go. 

Well, no people just go. The coming is not there.

Actually, it makes no sense. The coming and going are completely wrong terms.

People come and leave is a bit better, but the coming part doesn't work too well.

Mind Vortex Colours

why am I scared of people?

Because they're idiots.

Well yeah, but that doesn't explain it.

Analysis time.

You're scared. You fear of something

Well, thanks. But what am I scared of?

Rejection? Nope.

Losing illusions?

I lost all of them. Meeting people could only make it better.

They might not like you.

People already don't like me. Unless they get to know me.

Is that really true?

I don't know, this is bullshit.

Let's talk about something else.

Like why am I not doing the weird things I've planned.

Talking to strangers. Begging. putting up a sing in the middle of a square with a sign talk to me.

Move around

Because no one would talk to me. 

Ok, but what about the rest? Why do I feel I should run aways instead of making my life better.

because it can be better somewhere else.

True, true

But I am here now, I should do something now.

Then do.

Well no, now I'm writing this.

And is that helping?

No.

So?

Fuck you. I want to do this

Does wanting works?

Well yes. If I do only that then it works and I want to meditate and exercise and meet people, but now it's not the time.

I need a therapist. I thought Andrea would be able to do it, but she can't and the only person who tries is Bill, but he doesn't really know me. He does a good job, though.

Maybe I should just ask him. How do I change my life?

Yeah right.

I mean it could work.

Vice

Yup, stuck watching the video.

Maybe that's what wrong with you. You get distracted.

Bull shit. What's wrong with me is the world.

Oh come on, you can't serious, right?

Why not?

You have the responsibility over your life, so don't look for excuses.

Yeah, but what if it really is the issue. What if I truly need to run away. Well, there is only one option. 

funk you

start meditating and see what happens.

Or run away and see what happens.

But can you? Can you run away?

Yes, but not do badly to stop studying



Update after six months: I did run away but not from people. I ran to people to Brno. So far it's helping