How to talk to people

Today's topic is small talk. 


First I want to have a definition. I asked several of my friends on FB about their opinion on small talk, and we all have at least slightly different views on it. Let's make it clear then.
"Small talk is a conversation for its own sake."
"Small talk is an informal type of discourse that does not cover any functional topics of conversation.
Polite conversation about unimportant or uncontroversial matters, especially as engaged in on social occasions."
"Small talk is informal, friendly conversation about unimportant subjects"

Conversation is another term I want to define. Conversation can be seen as an umbrella term for any type of talk, but in this article I mean it as more interesting, functional and also "deeper" type of talking.
"The informal exchange of ideas by spoken words."
"Oral exchange of sentiments, observations, opinions, or ideas."

I think we all agree on these definitions, but please keep them in mind and try not to include your own ideas about small talk. These are the definitions for this article.

I asked my friends for their opinions about small talk and I received several interesting things.
First of all, most people don't mind small talk. A big group of people even enjoys it. It seems to depend on current mood a lot, but all in all, people are fine with small talk. Someone also mentioned it depends on the topic of the talk. I get it, but at the same I feel that once you can say there is a specific topic of the small talk, it stops being one and it becomes a conversation. The line is definitely blurry, though.

I found out that small talk has no purpose. Duh! I know, but I still want to make it obvious. My mom told me she complimented on a woman's coat in a tram, then they chatted for a while and then they split. That's it. Similar things happen to all of us quite often. Talking to random people at a concert. Quick chat with people at school/work you kind of know but with whom you don't really have anything to say and so on.
All this means that small talk can be viewed literary as just  that, just as a little talk.

On the other hand, small talk serves an important social purpose. Duh! I know, right? This will seem obvious too, but it needs to be stated as well. One friend said he doesn't understand the question because it is just part of life. Then he explained that since he has tens of small talks every day, he just sees it differently. For him, small talk is just a necessity in his work. Therefore, it can serve a specific function. Most people told me that they see small talk as a gate to a conversation. Or maybe as a way to find something about the people to know if there is any point in turning the talk into a conversation and potential friendship.

There is, of course, a group, of people, who have more reserved view on small talk. I already wrote an article on the stupidity of creating categories and separating "introverts" vs "extrovert", but it seems that the introverts, who actually don't exist, seem to have a more reserved attitude towards small talk. Well, they seem to hate it, to be precise.

Anyway, the consensus still seems to be that small talk is nothing too important. It can be seen as a way to see if a conversation should be pursued or thing to be skipped, but all in all, it's just a small talk. Everyone also agrees that the conversation is where the interesting things happen. Obviously...

For the people who enjoy small talk this question might seem stupid, but still: why do we have the small talk?
Everyone seems to agree that they want to talk about the interesting things. Even though we might enjoy the small talk, we still want to have a conversation.
So why don't we?
Well, it's simple as usual. Fear. Fear of opening up. Fear of rejection and all the regular bullshit.
Not only we are scared of admitting we like the person and we want to know more about them, we are even afraid of actually doing something about it. We don't ask them more interesting or even personal questions and we excuse it by saying we don't want to offend anyone. (note: if you offend anyone, it's usually their problem, not yours. Unless you're being a dick but most people know how not to be one. I'm planning an article about this too). We are also afraid of saying something personal on our own. But why?

Which I ask you to think about. Have you really had any bad experiences when you opened up and started talking about the things you wanted to?
Maybe you really did, I don't know.
And maybe you think you did.

I don't think I ever did have a bad experience when I opened up.
Because you don't?
Oh yeah, true!
No honestly, the worst thing that happened in a conversation was being bored. Sure, I get offended and I feel like someone hurt me but honestly, it was just me being touchy and taking things personally for no reason. Also, it was usually from a person who knew me, not from someone I just met. Why? Well, because new people will try to be more polite than close friends obviously.

I also had only good experience when I skipped the small talk.
Few times I came up to a stranger and told them that I hate small talk and asked them bunch of weird questions like:
"What is your most treasured memory?"
"What is the silliest thing you've ever done?"
"What is too serious to joke about?"
"Tell me two ways in which you're lucky"
And so on.
What happened? Well, the people answered the question, they seemed to enjoy it and I had definitely had a good time. Also, we not only skipped the small talk, but I still learned all the things I would through "normal" conversation like their education, work, hobbies and so on.
I cut through all the boring part of trying to see if the person is worth my time, if the conversation has a future and so on and I went straight to the part where it is interesting and where you learn and have fun. While not missing any information.

It was probably a bit awkward as first, but what conversation isn't? There's no reason to be scared of it. One of my friends also said: "With me, most conversation is a bit awkward, so there is no point avoiding that, quite the opposite most times. I pull the conversation into awkwardness. There is value in awkwardness, in being outside of your comfort somewhat, but this is another topic."
I like this. I like this a lot. Awkward is good! Fear not so much, but what is the worst thing that can happen when you really talk to people? It will be awkward, weird and uncomfortable. You won't die, you won't even be embarrassed because when I started talking to strangers they seemed to genuinely appreciate it and they liked the idea. Some even complimented me on doing this. Imagine that!

I only did it a few times because I still hate people and I have little interest in talking to them but that's not the case with most people. Most people want to talk, so why not make it interesting? Why not actually put some effort into one of our main activities of the day?

I think most people see conversation as just something that happens and either it gets interesting or not. The problem with this is that most people are not willing or capable of pushing the conversation a little bit, so they are usually stuck with small talks for a long time. Conversations can happen, but it is assured you can find something interesting to talk about with anyone. If you just tried a little bit.
Most, if not all, people judge others and they decide very early if the other person is worth talking to. Which is kind of silly, but understandable. We all do it. We all create these judgments and we think that the people we don't talk to are people we can't talk to.
Yet, how do you know?
And has it ever happened to you that you've changed your mind about someone? I was insulting one of my best friends when we first met and even though I stopped after some time, I realized he's actually a great person several years later. I thought we had nothing in common and I just didn't like him. And I had absolutely no reason for any of this.

Interestingly enough, the "introverts" seem to actually be better than the "extroverts". They hate small talk and they want to avoid it, so they ask more interesting questions and push the conversation. The "extroverts" are happy with the small talk, so they don't get that far. A lot of people wish they had more close friends, and sometimes you can hear: "I have lots of friends, but no real ones."
Well, have you thought about it? Did you think about the reasons? Did you think about the solution?
You might be a horrible person. Or you just don't know how to connect to people. You're scared of doing it while needing it. We are social animals. The word asocial is abused because in reality there is only a tiny part of the population that doesn't need anyone to talk to. Huge majority of people want to connect with others. And how you connect with people is through conversation.

What I am suggesting is complete disregard for social norms and ignoring small talk. Knowing that won't work I suggest being more active in conversations:
Have some general questions prepared upfront like the ones I mentioned. You can look up a lot of ideas on the internet before you come up with your own. Or ask me for the list I made of maybe 50 questions.
Make notes of interesting things you want to ask people. If you're curious about something, ask people about their opinion. Think religion, politics and racism if you want to argue a bit or travelling, childhood memories and future dreams. Or basically anything that interests you, I don't know.
Listen to what people are saying and ask more questions about topics they mention. And yes, listening, trying to understand and responding is a huge part of the conversation. Who cares about your opinions? No one. Who wants to hear you talking? No one. Who wants to talk to you if you listen, understand and ask followup questions? Everyone!
Say something personal to show that you can move into a real conversation.
One last idea I always forget to use in a conversation is the "silent question". Every time someone asks you a question add to it another sentence "and how do you feel about that?" and answer both of the questions together.
Example:
Someone: Where are you from?
Me: I'm from Brno, Czech Republic.
Now I imagine the person asked me "And how do you feel about that?" and I answer what I think about Brno and Czech.

And that's it from me.
If you have any other tips, feel free to add!
If you have any questions, ask.
If you feel like sharing or commenting, do so.
Or don't do anything, up to your brain chemicals and electrical stimuli.