Introverts vs Extroverts

It's all wrong! :)



I don't know much about psychology, but I'm pretty sure that the idea of introversion and extroversion is all wrong. The reason for that is actually quite simple. So simple I'm baffled I've never heard anyone mention it, and I'm ashamed it took me so long to realize it.

The simple reason is following: we all need social interactions, but we're all different with our needs. It's not that some people gain energy from it and some people gain energy from being alone and being social tires them. We all can gain energy from social interactions, but it depends on the type.

I love talking to people, and I feel great next day after having interesting, fun and optimistic conversations. At the same time, I hate talking to people when the topics are boring, shallow, repetitive and pessimistic, and next day I feel exhausted and annoyed.

I don't know, maybe it's just me, but from what I've heard I doubt it. The only possible explanation is that I am an ambivert, which means I can gain energy from both being alone as well as being with people and because of that I can't understand extroverts nor introverts. Or there is another option that this spectrum is simply wrong.

The reason we have introverts and extroverts is that some people can tolerate anything. They find almost all conversations interesting and fun. On the other hand, the introverts are people who need something more. There are only a few rare people who don't like to talk to others. All the introverts I know enjoy talking to others, but it has to be under certain conditions.

All the people I know get annoyed by dealing with stupid or rude people. We all have different limits. Some people can take it for years and be fine before even realizing there's a problem, some people get angry after few minutes and some people just give up and go away after realizing there's no point talking to a certain person. We're all different, we all deal with situations in various ways and talking is a great example.

We call introverts people who gain energy from being alone. They need time to recharge before they're able to go and talk to people. Extroverts, on the other hand, gain energy from being with people and from talking.

Now tell me. Just by this definition, ignoring everything else you know about extroverts and introverts. In which category do you belong?

I'm fairly certain that most of you will quite easily say one or the other. I'm also fairly certain that most (if not all) of you will also realize that it doesn't always apply. I don't know in which category I'd classify myself, and I've thought about it many times with no success. 

I'm not any of them. I never was. During my whole life, I've felt great and excited after being around people and I've felt down and tired after being around the same people.

Because it doesn't depend just on the company. It depends on much more. What are the people is the main factor, but the size of the crowd is important. The setting and the environment plays a role. The mood of all involved. The topics of conversations we had. It all matters! It all makes a difference in how we feel afterwards.

So what does it mean then? For today's "extroverts" probably not much. They enjoy all or most of their social interactions, so there's little to improve. For some, I would suggest to force themselves to spend time alone because I find horrifying when people say they can't stay alone. And not only horrifying. For me, it doesn't even make sense. How can you not be able to be alone? How can you say you can't live with yourself? Something doesn't seem right there...

For “introverts” though, it is different. For the people who can't do anything after a party, because they're fatigued (even without drinking alcohol), I suggest another look on their life. Pay more attention to which type of people or environments exhaust you. Pay more attention to the topics of conversations. If you know you don't handle well talking about politics, do something about it. 

I really hope you asked what. It means you take it seriously, which you should.

I'd recommend you think about it and come up with your own ways of dealing with this, but here's a few:

Change the topic. When you hear topic you don't like, ask something unrelated to that. Just say something. Instead of gossip, start talking about the news. Or start complaining about the bus you missed. Have some backup stories to tell or questions to ask to avoid topics you don't like.

Change the way people talk about the topic. This one is hard, but if you don't mind talking, let's say, about politics, but hate when people only complain, and look desperate, try to cheer them up. You can give them encouragement or argue with them, but the point is either to make the topic more positive or build a wall of optimism around you. Simply don't let their miserable lives ruin your paradise. It's not your problem they will never be happy with anything. But it's your problem if other people make you feel worse.

Ignore it. You can either choose a person and engage in a new conversation or you can even just go away, and come back later. If it lasts longer there's always the option to leave altogether. And don't be afraid or ashamed to say why you're leaving. If you're not having fun, what's the point of staying and pretending you do?

There is also the option of changing the people you talk to, but that's drastic and for "introverts" (or rather not-so-social people) it might even seem impossible. I'm not suggesting this because I'm fine talking to an egoistic and shallow person, but only once in a while. I like my friends, but some of them I only want to see once a week or even less. Yet, when we meet I still want to enjoy it as much as I can.

I think we all do it partially, but for the “introverts” out there: you need to go further.

We all have people in our circle that we usually try to avoid. We can stand them once in a while, we can even have fun with them, but meeting them more than maybe once every two weeks is just too much. If you're unsure about going to a party, you ask about the people there. Then you ask where and when is it.

All of that means that you're already thinking if it's worthwhile. Go beyond that, and notice the smaller things that affect it. Make a conscious decision “I'm either going to have fun, and feel good the next day or I'll just stay at home”. You can go to a party, and realize it's worse than you thought, but then it's up to you. You can find the person that will make it fun, you can engage and make it fun or you can just walk away and return to your book at home. Whatever you do, think about it and make a decision. Don't be afraid to say no, very little will happen. If you know you prefer smaller crowds and you're invited to a party with 40 people you barely know, just stay home. Or go but make the most out of it. Be active and be social if you are at a party. And be relaxed at home when others are at a party. It makes no sense looking at pictures of people having fun together and thinking "I want that too" when you don't talk to anyone and wish you were home when others are taking those pictures around you. Make that decision and let it change your mindset.

There really is no such thing as extroverts and introverts. What is there though is the enjoyment! Humans are social creatures and we all have the skills to enjoy being around people. For some, it's easy. For some, it takes effort. So make that effort and make it worthwhile!