Rape culture

That sounds pretty serious. And it is.



If this article won't start hateful comment then I don't what will. Today's topic is rape.
(Hateful coments ready...)
And it wouldn't be me if I didn't say that it's women's fault as well.
(... AND GO!)


This is article that finally forced me to write about this topic, even though I was thinking about it for a while. I might comment on specific things in this article, so you might want to read either before or after.
Let's make few things first. I don't support rape or any kind of sexual harassment. I find catcalling disgusting, and it's sad we live in a world where these things happen. I'm not blaming women (or victims in general, because apparently male harassment is quite frequent too). I blame the idiots who do such things. With that said there are certain things that need to be mentioned, and these things include detachment and less emotions. What else am I here for?
Rapists are sick people, who should be killed on the spot, but doesn't mean that the victims aren't idiots.
(Second time. Hateful comments go!)
Bear with me though. Please just read the whole article and then accuse me of blaming the victims, of being sexist and so on. Read it, think about it, and then comment if you feel like you still disagree. If, on the other hand, you agree, feel free to share. Could be useful.

With that said, let's move on.
First late me state facts:
1. Rape is common. More common than most of us are willing to admit. I'm not certain about the statistics (they all differ), but apparently one out of four women is raped or attempted to be raped during her life.
2. Most of the sexual assaults are done by men.
3. Sexual harassment, in which I include specifically catcalling, is common experience for women.

It doesn't matter what's the number of raped women. It's happening, it's sick and because most of the acts are done by men, I will focus only on this type of sexual assault.
These are the facts. Yes, it shouldn't be happening. Yes, it's disgusting and sad. And absolute yes for the fact that we should stop it.
The question remains how?

And this is where the controversy comes, because I say it's up to women! And I blame them – not for being raped, but for not being assertive, and strong enough to say no. I blame them for not being more defensive, and for not fighting back.
The sad truth is that people are animals. And ask yourself this: how do you train a dog? By telling him "no!", and for hitting him everytime he does something he's not supposed to. People work exactly the same, which means that solving this problem lies in women's hands. They are the trainers in this case, and they need to learn to say "don't do this". And then hit the man if possible. Just kidding, much better way would be to shame him. In front of people if possible.
The problem is that women rarely do it. What do women do when they're "just" catcalled? Not only do they mostly ignore it. In some cases they seem like they enjoy it. Maybe it's because they don't know what to do, maybe they're scared, but ignoring is not the right way. Smiling is an insane reaction, yet there are women who do that. When a guy is bothering them (touching, catcalling or any other inappropriate, but not really dangerous, action), women just don't do the right thing. There is one question to ask at that moment: "do I like that?". If the answer is no, then the only reaction is telling the person to stop. And more would be even better.
Just recently (another reason that made me write this) a friend posted on FB a status in which she complained about a plumber who made stupid joke about her sexual life. She didn't tell him to fuck off. And I understand it's hard, but how the hell do you expect men to change, if you don't tell them?
This is the first example when women fail to do what they're supposed to. I understand that in some cases it might be dangerous (mostly when you're alone with that person), and in these cases you need to do everything you can to escape, and to get to a safer place. In all other cases you need to say "stop!".
Simply said. When you don't like it, say it.
This is the simplest solution to the problem. I mean it! There's no other as effective solution as this. Women need to learn to fight back for men to learn.

When talking about rape there's a lot of discussion about the women's clothing and attitude (meaning "did she ask for it?"). There's no way to excuse sex to which all involved did not agree. Simple as that.
On the other hand. Women should need to learn few things. They need to know that the way they behave and dress affects their risk.
I'm not saying it's their fault. All I'm saying is that women need to know that some actions might provoke people. If you dress like a slut you will be viewed as one. If you make comments about sex, if you behave in seducing way, you will be viewed as a sexual object.
This is a simple fact to which women always object that it's everyone's freedom to behave the way they want, and dress they want. If a woman likes to wear short dress, she should be allowed to do it.
I have one problem with this statement, and it's very simple. This statement is not a reaction to what I'm talking about. I'm not saying what should or shouldn't be happening. I'm not saying what's right or wrong. I'm not asking whose fault it is. All I'm saying is that rape and sexual assault is here and women's clothes could be considered provoking.
NO!
Stop saying it's wrong! Stop saying it shouldn't be hapenning!
It shouldn't! But it is!
And this is a simple fact women need to accept. There's no point talking about a hypothetical (and great!) world where women could dress freely with no risk.  We need to deal with this world to get there, and the painful truth is that the risk is here.
And now we should discuss what to do with it.

I don't want to say that women shouldn't wear what they want. All I want to say is that they should consider the risks for themselves!
Yes, it's a sad world, when women have to do this, but we all live in this world, and we need to accept it.
And in this real and sad world the simple fact is that short skirt, and big cleavage will attract (unwanted?) attention.
Don't say anything to this, because there's nothing to add, complain, question or argue about. This is a fact!
Women need to asses their risks and consider it. Same as behaviour. If I know I'm going out drinking and I want to avoid being a victim, I should make sure that I can defend myself, and take care of myself even when I'm drunk. Or I need to find a friend who will take care of me.
If not I'm taking a risk of being raped.
Don't say it shouldn't happen! It might and you need to count on it!

Why do you lock your door? Because you might get robbed?
If you leave the door from your house open would you be surprised to get robbed? Maybe yes, but it would be less surprising than if you've locked them.
This is not blaming the victim. I'm not saying a woman with a short skirt deserved it and it's her fault being raped. All I'm saying is that she should be prepared for it. Same as locking the door. You lock them because you don't want your stuff to be stolen. But when they are, it's not your fault. It's bad luck.
Even if you let the door open it's not your fault, but your fault is the increased risk of that happening.
These are facts! This is real world!
You can't defy facts! You can hardly hide from real world. Therefore, you need to prepare for it.
Sad, but true.
I've heard an argument that dressing provocatively doesn't increase the risk of being raped. (Just a note, it definitely increases the attention you will get.) Even if that's true, everything I said holds true. The risks are there. The chance a woman will be raped is, sadly, and maybe suprisingly, high and even if it's not affected by her clothing, women still need to learn to assess the risks, learn to say no and defend themselves. Absolutely nothing changed about the main point even if you say that the risk is not increased.


With actual rape the situation is of course much more complicated. Men are generally stronger, so when they set their mind to it, they will often be able to rape women. Yet, there are still ways to prevent it. You probably shouldn't dress provocatively, and you shouldn't act that way. If you do, you need to make sure you're safe while doing it by having people around you, or by being able to defend yourself.
If after all this you appear to be in a dangerous situation, it's hard to say anything about it, because every situation is unique. The universal advice applies though. You need to make sure you say a firm no! If that fails you need to fight back. I think this is a big problem, because usually women are not taught how to defend themselves, and they will simply resign to the situation. Which can not happen! Every woman has to be able to fight back to the last breath.
It won't be better for you if you just comply.
You might be more hurt if you fight back, sure, but at the same time if you somehow managed to hit man's balls you win. Practical advice: aim for the balls when fighting back. Theoretical advice: defending yourself is always better than not doing anything. In the worst case you will get hurt and raped. In the best case you will escape (possibly physically hurt). What's better?
Some studies have shown that fighting back reduces the risk of being raped to half. To a half! That's a huge number!
Some people might say that if you don't struggle, it's not really a rape. This is a stupid view, but I understand it. It is rape, but at the same you have to ask: why didn't the victim fight back if she didn't like it? Ok, she might have been paralyzed from fear, she might have thought it's better to stay still and get through it. And I'm trying to understand it, but it's hard for me to identify with someone who's not willing to put up a fight to avoid an experience that will haunt her for the rest of her life.
It doesn't matter if you don't know how to fight.  You don't need to know any self defense to defend yourself. If I were scared I'd do anything. I would punch, scratch, bite and kick in the balls if I were forced to do something I don't want. Why don't women do the same? Seems insane to me.
One thing I just can't understand is forced oral sex. That just seems like oxymoron, because you need one bite, one hit in the groin and a guy is paralyzed. Completely!
I just saw an interview with a woman who was forced to do oral sex, and she said it didn't cross her mind.
I don't want to seem like an asshole, but that just seems strange. If she said she was scared, because he had a weapon I might understand, but this just doesn't seem right. It might be true, but I'm not sure I'll ever be able to understand it

We covered before and during. Now let's consider after.
After the rape, the advice it fairly simple: report it! Report it to police!
Try to overcome the bad memories, the shame, the guilt or any other emotions that the experience brings out and report it. Say it to the police. Say it to everyone, say the name of everyone who raped you.
Don't go to a dean if you're in college, because she won't help (she might even try to cover it up). Go to the police.
Ignore what everyone says to you. I can't believe there are people who ask a gang raped woman "why didn't you enjoy it? So many hot guys?", and it's even more disturbing when women say that. Ignore the people who will argue with reputation (yours, his, the school's...). Ignore people who say that you should just learn to live with it (and him).
There is no excuse for this kind of things and there's only reason to not report it. If you know (know as you're 100% sure ) that you will be killed if you say anythig to anyone.
Wait no! Even in this case you need to go to a police, and tell them you need protection. If that doesn't help you need to find someone else to protect you.
No matter what happens, after the incident women need to make sure that everyone knows it's happening, and everyone know who's responsible. If that is not possible, you still need to make sure that at least someone who is responsible for handling this know. In college cases, the police, not the office.

In conclusion I just want to simply say what we all need to do.
The first thing is accepting the facts. Rape culture is real. A lot of men are not only not ashamed, but proud of catcalling and assaulting women. These are simple facts and women need to accept them and act on them. There's no point saying that it shouldn't even be happening, because that changes nothing.
After we've accepted the facts we need to understand what to do with them. And the solution is simple and mostly depends on women's behaviour. Everytime someone says something inappropriate to you, you need to act on it. You have to make sure he knows it's inappropriate and you don't like. If a man grabs your ass, you don't deserve it, but unless you tell him he can't do that, how can you expect him to know this? You know the education has failed, otherwise he wouldn't do it. It's time teach him something he should already know. Tell him to stop. Don't encourage it, don't ignore it and don't just smile like it's fun. Tell him to fuck off!
Saying that it's wrong or complaining afterwards won't help. You need to make sure the person knows at that exact moment it happened. If there are friends around him, even better, because you can make him ashamed. The more you shame him, and the stronger you express that he's not supposed to do this, the bigger chance he will learn. Maybe not immediately, but believe me, the change will come.
Don't say it will only encourage him, or that it will only make him more aggresive against women. It's not true! From now on, if every woman expressed her opinion about sexual harassment right after it happens, we would have a much better world fairly quickly. And we would have a world where men not only respect women, but are also afraid of them. As they should be.
If someone bothers you (in any way), it's not your fault, but the ultimate solution is up to you.

I was mostly focusing on what women should do, but there is some responsibility on men, who don't approve of all I mentioned. And the simple advice applies for them as well. Don't ignore it, don't stay silent. If you ever see a man bothering a woman, tell him to stop. If your friend makes a stupid comment about women, tell him he's an idiot and he should be ashamed. Let him know that he can't do that.

If I ever have kids, this is exactly what I'll teach them. I want to live in a world where my daughter doesn't have to be afraid of men, but if I know that's the world we live in, I want her to be prepared. I will teach her to say definite no. I will teach her self-defense and I will make sure that she's able to kick any man who will bother her right into the balls.
It's super effective!