Illusions part 1/2

I'm losing faith in humanity!
Based on reading this blog you might think I already lost it, but up to now I was able to see it humans as a joke. I'm losing that now.

It was happening for a long time. Most of my life at this point I'd say, but it got progressively worse in the last few months. It might have to do something with the fact that I have been "depressed" in the past few months or weeks. Depressed is in quotes because if it really is depression, which I am not at all sure, then it is a bit unusual I think and most likely only situational. I'm not sure about the specific symptoms, so in other terms: I have been in a bad mood lately. Choose whatever you want, but don't take it too seriously. I just wanted to say it upfront because I plan to make a comparison of this idea with the future where I hope to feel better.

The reasons I am losing faith differ. Big part of it is that the stupidity of people, which I was successfully avoiding until coming to NYC, finally got me. It is no longer possible to ignore it because the consequences are visible everywhere.  All see I see are the results of human unawareness, indifference, selfishness and stupidity. I just can't not see it. I can't avoid it. It's just there and I have to deal with it. That has been an issue lately. Positive thinking is not helping. Making jokes is not helping. And I believe all the solutions I came up with are not really solving anything.

Another reason for my opinion is that people seem to be either blind to or ignore most of the issues. People don't seem to care about the problems, they don't seem to correct or even argue with the people who are obviously wrong.
Similar reason is that people seem to be apathetic to a lot of things. One example is a book I'm reading, Invisible Man from Ralph Ellison. It is a class reading and it is quite scary view of the racism in the 1940s. I know this is just a mild version of it, yet it seems to have long-term consequences on my view on humans. Yet, and this is just an assumption, no one seems to be taken so much by it as I am. If this assumption is correct, which I'm sure partially is, then I have to ask: why don't other people lose their illusions? Why don't their views gets corrupted?

Several explanations:
First, they can relate to the main character. They can see his patterns of thinking in their own behaviour. They understand him and they can hopefully learn from it. I can't. At all. For me, it is just a fascinating and scary view of the human mind. And again, this is probably just the mild version, the tip of the iceberg.
Second reason, which follows from the first, is that others have heard, seen, thought, or otherwise experienced most of the book. I am not mentioning just the racism and manipulation, which I have avoided, but also the way of thinking. Most people are more social, more tolerant with others and less picky when it comes to the company of other people. Therefore, they have, in one way or the other, seen a lot of the stupidity, inattentiveness and maybe even cruelty of the world. I, on the other hand, had fairly good parents and childhood. I was also always reading sci-fi and very little of other fiction, talking to very few selected people and avoiding the rest. I was very much secluded and detached from the real world. All this means that the rest of the class may have lost their illusions. Or they have learned how to live with all these things and keep their optimism. Or, they don't see it, they don't see the consequences. Either because they are unaware and stupid, maybe because their brains managed to repress those thoughts and their egos managed to twist them into something completely else. Most likely it's the combination of all those things, as usual.

I don't want to mention all the things that are ruining my view on the world and humanity. We all know them. We hear about them, see them in the news and discuss them with others.
Interestingly enough, I don't even watch the news except the ones that my friends (selective group again) put on FB. I rarely discuss these issues with others, because I don't really have much to say and it doesn't interest me that much. Therefore, I don't really hear about the current problems. So how come I see the negativity everywhere? Is it my mood? My awareness? Am I different than others in the seeing or the processing of the information?

One of the issues I want to mention, though, is the "refugee crisis". Again, I rarely hear about it, but I just can't imagine how people are capable of condemning people to death simply because they were born in a different country. I understand there are a lot of issues with the refugees, lot of things to discuss and a lot of things needs to be done before we allow them into Europe. And it has to be under certain conditions. I get that. But the hate? The racism? The extreme nationalism? The misconceptions? What the fuck people?
No seriously.
They are human beings exactly just like you and your friends. Ok, they have different religions, different citizenships and different culture, but all of that are fairly minor things. People are basically the same everywhere. They are still stupid, egoistic, self-obsessed and selfish as you are. We are all similar way more than we are different.
And if Europe is full of intolerant, selfish and evil humans, then so be it, but no one would say that. No one thinks that about themselves. We would help each other, right? We would help the ones in need, right?

Right?

People are still not openly selfish and they still have the illusions that they are kind, right? The world hasn't changed and people still, at least, pretend they want to help others, correct?
Well, if we all do, then come the world looks like this? No seriously, answer me this: if we all think we're kind and willing to help, then how come the world looks like it does?
Oh, I know. It's the willingness to help. It's not actually helping, just the idea in the head that says, "I would help, if I could. If someone asked me." And I'm not blaming anyone, I'm not saying it's wrong. I can't because I have the same thinking.
It's also selective kindness. Some people deserve to die miserably and some people don't. For example, Africa is full poor and dying people we should pity, while the Middle East is full terrorists, who deserve to die. Doesn't matter if they are kids, doesn't matter if they're kind or evil beings. That's just how it is. Africa should be pitied and the Middle East should be bombed.


The difference between me and other people is that I am losing my illusions and I am losing the pretence of being nice. At this rate, it might not take long when I just say "fuck it", and I'll become the psychopath/sociopath for which I have the predispositions. I'm sure I will never be openly vicious, and I don't think I will ever hurt people just for the sake of it. Yet, I am very much considering how much of "goodness" is in me and how much would I suffer if I tried to just be selfish and egoistic.
Which seems to be true nature of humans anyway. Maybe I should finally admit I'm no different than others. Maybe I should embrace it.
Basically, I'm considering becoming an adult.

Kids, teenagers and mostly even young adults are full of illusions and naivety. Adults seem to be so hardened, disillusioned, unaware and stuck that they seem not to care about the world. The young adults want to help. They might not do it, they might not know how, they might find excuses for not doing so. But from what I'm seeing it's the young people who, for example, want to help the refugees. And the adults seem to be more careful, to put it mildly.
The problem is that if we are all scared of each other, if we're all suspecting each other and we don't trust each other, then nothing can ever change.
Think about it. How is the world going to change if we're all selfish? How is the world going to change if we are all scared of helping each other?
I'm not saying that naive way is the way to go, but things can change only if people believe they can. The next task is, of course, trying to change them, but believing is the first step. And it seems to me that kids do believe in good. They can seem mean, but that's not their nature. Kids are curious and they ask questions. Kids want to understand. And most importantly, kids care for others.
Yet slowly, with "education" and through socialization we lose all that.
We don't ask, we don't want to understand. We lose the open mind kids have, we lose the perspective "everything is new" and the new paradigm is "I know how it all works". We stop caring for strangers, and we care only for the few we have chosen and who support us in any insane and dangerous views we have.
Teenagers and twenty-something people seem to be, at least from my point of view, naive and caring. After thirty (maybe?) it seems to change. The responsibilities catch up. Suddenly, it's not about helping the world, but about paying the bills for mortgage and school, raising kids and going to work.
All this slowly makes people to not care. They become self-obsessed and selfish. Not because of their fault necessarily. It's the way the world works. It's our culture. It's simply the way we live.

I think this is happening to me as well actually. Suddenly, I'm not travelling, I'm not living with my parents, and I don't have the money to live mostly stress-free. I have to pay for myself in NYC, which is ridiculously expensive. I have to pay for school, which I also have to attend regularly. Add my daily 2-hour commute, which is not uncommon in the US and what do you get? You get disappointed and discouraged citizens. You get people only caring for themselves because they have no interest in being stressed by inequality, racism or global warming.
The only people who seem to care are the ones who can afford it. First are the rich people, who are not ruined by having so much money. I know nothing about Bill Gates, and maybe he's as selfish as everyone else, but I get the feeling he actually cares and he wants to help others. If I'm right why does he do that?
Because he can, he can finally afford to have the time and money to actually do something. He probably cared his whole life and now he finally has a lot of power to do something.
The other group are the students or generally the young people. They don't have the stress of "real life", but they know what's going on around them. They can afford to care, because they don't have a lot of responsibilities that will come in the future.


All this is just a rant. Nothing more, nothing less. I have no illusions about changing the world with articles. I don't even believe I could change a single mind. I also know no one ever reads this. I don't think I'm better than others. I am not more compassionate, emotional nor kind. The opposite probably. I am just a 22-years old who is losing his illusions.
I wanted to write: "just like everyone does"
How sad is that? How sad it is that a young student with good health, education and a lifestyle of the world's 2% (maybe?) is thinking that humanity has no hope in an article claiming that hope and beliefs are the first things that can change anything. How fucking twisted is that?

Second part of this rant is posted here. The second part if more important and interesting I think, so if you've read this far, invest a little bit more of your tiem