Dark side of being schizoid

Fuck everyone and fuck everything!


I'm a lazy fuck, who's always blaming other people. Not only I don't care about anyone and anything. I don't ever care about myself, my girlfriend and in general anything that might make me feel better.
I'm apathetic to the whole world. I don't even bother with idiots, I don't do anything I should and I want. All in all I do is pity myself and get angry at people who don't deserve it.
And you know what?
This article proves it all. It's not about me saying who I am, it's about the post itself. Just writing this article proves that I'm apathetic, lazy and idiotic fuck, who would rather do something useless than doing what he should and he actually wants.

Why do I say that? Partially because I lost perspective. Partially because I only see the successful people. But most importantly it's because noone ever writes about doing nothing. For obvious reasons, but that's the main reason why I think all this even though I'm not doing bad. Well... I am, but because I have high expectations of me.

What happens is following. I don't know many people and I don't usually talk to people. All I see are people on the internet. Not only friends, who of course post things that will show how good they are, but mostly strangers, who are obviously only successful happy and people, who are doing great things.
For all the following reasons I think I'm not doing anything. Now it's even worse, because I'm not doing anything for my studies and I'm only saving money, which is really just a waste of time.
I compare myself to the pictures people present to the world and I compare myself to their results and not the way and time they spent on it.
If you add the fact that I read way too many articles about self improvement and similar things all you get is one unhappy schizoid.

Few articles below I said the blog is my way of showing how I became a great person and it all should start by saying who I am and what I want to get rid of.


I guess I should start by explaining the title.
Even though I could probably pinpoint the causes of my disorder (Disorder? Lol. I'm the next evolution of humans, but I'll get to that sometime later) I don't. Why? Not only because it's pointless, but mostly because I don't mind. Yet the last article about this was probably too positive. I was in a good mood and I felt great that I finally found some diagnosis that actually fitted me completely.
I was in a bad mood recently, so it's time to take a look at the negative side of being a schizoid.


You might think that the worst is the lack of emotions, but that's not really problem at all. It makes me sad sometimes (get it?), but otherwise it's fine.
What's worse is apathy.

Apathy is big part of depression. If you have depression you don't care about anything so much you don't even care you're depressed, and you don't want to get help. You simply give up.
It's even worse if you are schizoid. Why? Because if you are depressed you probably have memories about how it feels not being apathetic, and how it is not being depressed.
If you are schizioid, you are one since you can remember (?). You have no idea how it feels being excited and passionate about something. You can't compare. If you knew it might force you to change something, to get help. If you are depressed your whole life, what do you think will motivate you to get better?

If I ever stop being lazy and apathetic I think the only reason will be my ambition...
For a long time in high school I felt like my friends are all really clever and they will all be succesful and famous. Only after I finished I realized that it's far from being true. I don't doubt that most of them will be succesful in their careers (eventually), but only up to a point. Not because the lack of skills or inteligence, but mostly becuase of the lack of ambition. They probably will be all right with their careers and lifes, but I highly doubt that more than few (more like one or two) will achieve something extraordnary.
Not saying that's neccessary for happy life, but it's sad, because who else should be ambitious than the clever people? If these people don't want the whole world, then who the hell is going to take it? Idiots!
Sweet, eh?

This happens everywhere and everyone. People want to be famous and have lot of money, but they refuse to do anything for it. Or maybe they don't want to, I'm still not decided about this.
The best example is my boss (well... Luckily from today ex-boss). He studied mechanical engineering in uni. Not sure for how long, but he told me that after he finished he couldn't find a job.
So he ended up as a waiter, who's working around 60 hours per week for who knows how much money.
 Everytime after work we eat leftovers and go home. I finish my meal and go home, he sits there and plays game on a phone.
Surprisingly, he has a wife!
And this a typical human being!

I don't know if this is what happened, but I think that after he couldn't find a job in his field, he found something and then gave up. "There were no jobs then, therefore there are no jobs now. Anyway, I have a job, so why should I even try?"
This seems exactly like his attitude. He found a job and he just can't be bothered to find something new. There's no point anyway. The times are hard and everyone is looking for a job.
This is how mid life crisis starts you know? ;)
Also, do you know for how long he's been working in the same buffet?
10 years!
He has technical education, wife and yet he spent his last ten years in a restaurant working more than 60 hours a week.
Sweet, eh?

Anyway, how I think this is the typical human attitude? Because (obviously) I have it too.
When I came to NZ I found a job. It was all right, but I wasn't getting enough hours. At first I thought it will get better, then it did for two weeks. After that I waited for things to get better. After some time I realized I'm an idiot and realized I should start looking for a second job, so I made a bit of effort, but definitely not enough. And then suddenly came the best excuses ever:
It's too late now. I wouldn't be able to get a job anywhere since I'm leaving soon. Also I don't want to lie. But even if I did it would be really weird to tell them I'm leaving after 6 weeks of work.
So I didn't. I didn't get another job and I saved just a bit of money.

Good thing is that I learn from my mistakes. When I came to UK I learned another important thing by making mistake. I took the first job I got and I didn't even go to interview for the next one. I was just satisfied with what I found. Later on I realized I could do better.
This time I used my lesson from NZ and I quit. I'm currently unemployed and I'm looking for another. I already gave out plenty of CVs, but so far nothing.
Anyway, now I don't care I will leave in about 6 weeks.

That's apathy and it's not just that. I'll try to show you several examples from recent time just to give you some perspective.

My bike got a flat tyre. It would took me an hour tops to repair it and it would save me a lot of money, because I wouldn't have to pay for the bus and it would save me a lot of time, because I wouldn't have to walk from work.
How long it took me to repair it? Several days!
Why? Because I was always looking for excuses. It was never the right time. I was lazy. I was in a bad mood. Whatever... I'm a fucking moron.
And you know what's even better?
The first time I was going to work on this repaired bike I hit a nail and this time my back wheel was useless.
And again. How long it took me to repair it? About 4 days or something. Same excuses, same laziness and same apathy. "It's just money", "I don't have the time now", "it's raining".

I started this article four times and this version was written in three parts (I rarely do more than two)! Literally I have two other concepts in here and this article is a based on a previous one.
Why? Because I just didn't feel like it. I didn't know how to explain it, how to start and so on.

This might seem simply like laziness and I agree. The apathy might be explained in other ways.
For example with relationship to Andrea. We used to talk about everything. I was always excited to talk about the things I thought of today and I just wanted to share them. Now I don't care. While we are on skype, we don't really talk. Partially because I really don't have much to say, but with the rest I just don't want to, I see no point and I just don't care.
Hyperbolas? Maybe, but that doesn't mean it's not true.

In here I'm trying to save some money. It's kind of working and in my free time I actually started to study in the last few days. Before not so much...
What's worse that during the fall I wasn't doing anything! Literally! Sure, I was preparing to do the tests for uni, but apart from that? I wasn't working, I wasn't studying on my own, I wasn't doing anything worthwhile. All I accomplished for the past several months sice I came from NZ was I did the tests to get into US schools. That's it. I wrote few articles on my blog, I learned some basics of DJing sure, but apart from that? I  was only wasting my time in front of a computer.
And I'm doing the same thing as everyone. I post on FB only the things that will make me look good. You might think that I got good results from my uni tests and I did, but the time I spent on it?Not much.
I came to UK which seems like a big accomplishment, but think hard. Is it?
I got accepted to Stony Brook. Great! Too bad I shouldn't have even applied there, because there's no chance I'll start studying there because of money. I basically just wasted a lot of money by applying to schools I can't afford. Why? Because I'm an idiot and I didn't find enough information.
I found a job in here. And it took me 6 weeks to realize I should and could find something better. Again, waste of time and waste of money.


Another way to prove my apathy is at work. There was so much things that could be done better, but I had no interest in helping and mentioning it. I was sure it would make no difference, but still. I know plenty of people who would say it just because.
Also, I never got into a fight with my coworkers. Well, just one. The rest was fine (ish). Anyway, this particular girl was always in a bad mood, annoying and she hated me. Why I never bothered to tell her to fuck off? I'm not too sure.

Ok, I think this was enough to prove you that I am not only lazy as almost everyone, but I think I proved enough my apathy and my lack of care about anything or anyone.

Fuck it! This show nothing. I'll tell you something real. I need money, I need a lot of money at this moment. This I think is the main reason of my bad mood and the reason I'm giving up.
On the other hand I lent money to a person I'll never see again and I don't even care.
Exaggerating? Nope.
My flatmate took a couple into his room for some time, before they find their own place. He didn't really know them, but that's not important. Important is that the girl asked me for some money to pay for rent. Because I'm a naive idiot and I didn't think she would steal it and I thought they will be staying in Liverpool and even in this flat for some time I didn't see a problem with it.
So I lent 90 pounds to a stranger and when I was told they left I didn't even get angry.
I'm serious. I didn't care and I still don't care even though 90 pounds is quite a lot of money.

Not to mention I'm lazy looking for another job, so it's been a week and I'm not any closer getting any job.

Happy now?
I'm not!


The following are just stories related to my condition with no higher purpose.
Because of my absence of social contacs I have no idea what a human looks like :-D
It sounds silly, but it's true. I really have no perspective, no comparions and I have no idea how people act in real life. This is just one simple example.
I was in a dnb party and because it was dnb I was in a good and more importantly social mood. I received water, I offered chewing gums and then I made friends :-D
After that we went to their house just to chat and relax untill morning. We were talking about studying and this is where the interesting part begins. I had no idea how big of a problem is laziness and procrastination. One girl said that because she couldn't find the motivation to study, but she knew she had to, she just copied the whole textbook.
Exaggerating? Maybe... But why would she say something like that?

But there was more. Since I was also high I got really paranoid. And I don't think that should happen...
I mean it's happening almost everytime when I'm high, but I'm usually surrounded by the same people (which is quite sad now that I think of it) and I'm used to the feeling. But this time I stopped paying attention to the conversation and I started thinking. Not only that's not good, but I got paranoid, because I started thinking about what they think of me, I started thinking about the things I said and simply I just became paranoid.
Why? Because it was new situation. And this was actually the first time something like that happened to me. There were strangers to me and I still came to their home and got high. Untill I've done that I was all right, but then in got weird.
I think I got scared. Not anything in particular, just people I guess.


The most interesting, and  also the hardest to understand, part about schizoidism is probably the lack of emotions (not counting the sex of course...).
I really don't have much of them. What it means is that my highs are quite low and my lows are quite high. I don't have very bad, sad, depressing or angry moments. I don't have ecstatic and absolutely happy moments.
I can't enjoy things. And this applies to almost everything. I thought it's because I can't focus and therefore I can't enjoy the food, the music, whatever.
But the truth is I really can't. Well, of course I can, but comparing to some people I've been talking to a lot recently I really have little emotions.
I'd like to describe it more, but I'm not sure how. I'll try though... So take the moments when you feel low and you don't want to do anything, everything annoys you and all you want and can do is just sleep and do nothing. Take the time when everything you do is boring and you give up after few minutes.
Take that and apply the feeling of not enjoying anything to most of your life.
Got it? Good!
Do you like it?

You might ask how about drugs like ecstasy. Do they work?
Yes, it works, but because I start lower than most, I don't think I reach the same level as other people.
And no, I haven't tried taking more, but I will. I wonder if doubling the amount will  work...

This is  all quite hard to explain, but just try to imagine life without emotions and feelings. You might at least get some idea of who I am.


You know what's funny? That I am clever. I really am smart and more intelligent than most and partially I think it makes up for the fact I have little feelings (I really envy those who can have both, but I'm glad I didn't really meet anyone quite like that. Not the way I mean it at least...).
Anyway, what's funny is if I imagine someone who's schizoid, but is also an idiot.
That must be tough! And I completely understand that these people are depressed, because yes the only think that's beating my apathy and possibly depression is logic.

Anyway, that's the dark side of being schizoid. Just to counter the three excited and positive articles and just so you can pity and feel sorry for me. I hope you do, because you should!
Poor me!

I shouldn't say things like that, because if I say that there's absolutely no chance someone will ever take me seriously and someone will actually feel sorry for me...